If you’re a feminist and you’re trying to celebrate Christmas, you may have run into a pretty tricky scenario: How do you remain a self-proclaimed advocate for women’s rights with a phallic tree in the middle of your living room? It’s unsightly, oppressive, and sort of reminds you of Kyle. After all, as Gloria Steinem famously said, “No dicks allowed! Get rid of ‘em! This is MY Christmas, Kyle!”
With this in mind, here are some foolproof tips guaranteed to turn that oppressive penis tree into a yonic masterpiece.
Trim it into a bush.
Does your tree have too much pointy-uppy-ness? Blech! This holiday is about a virgin birth: no dick needed! Cut off the top two feet of your indoor foliage, and you’ve got yourself a less oppressive Christmas bush. We’re already one step closer to Yonitown!
Make peace with its discharge.
While many magazines and websites stigmatize your tree’s sap by suggesting you remove it with mayonnaise or rubbing alcohol, you know from experience that a little discharge is nothing to be ashamed about. Let the sap get all over your hands, carpet, and pets. It’s natural!
Douglas fir? Uh, no thanks! As we all know, there are not nearly enough representations of female-named Christmas tree varietals. So get creative about renaming your tannenbaum. Some suggestions: Dana fir, Danielle fir, Dora fir, or even Dita fir. The possibilities are sort of endless!
Make sure your tree gets enough water!
As you are no doubt already aware, nothing ruins yonic energy than a raging UTI. Water your tree with chilly, filtered water to let it know you’re looking out for its various vessels. Your tree might not have a urethra, but it sure could be female!
Take away its basic human rights.
Gather your loved ones around the tree for a very raw performance art piece by you and your female fir, wherein you remove an ornament labeled “Humanity” and stomp on it while sobbing. Now that’s what we call yonic!
So there you have it: the most essential steps for making your Christmas tree less of a male oppressor. Merry Christmas, fellow feminists!