In a world where everyone’s backstory is more moving than the next, having never overcome obstacles is basically an obstacle in itself. How do you make yourself stand out and make people believe that hey—you’ve actually overcome a lot? Well look no further—these quick tips and phrases will help obscure your easy life and make even the biggest triumphs over adversity think you deserve every single one of those vests from Lacoste.
Never miss an opportunity to remind people you struggle with a disability (ADHD + Psoriasis).
Is Wendy, that attention whore in a wheelchair, getting all the attention at work again? Or maybe Jerry’s telling everyone about what it’s like to battle cancer? Well guess what—you don’t have it easy either, and your adult ADHD and nasty bouts of psoriasis prove it. Be sure to talk a lot about how hard things were for you in private school when your skin patches developed. It’ll also cover your bases when you wander off for two hours in the middle of the day to hook up with a bi-curious French model. Your brain doesn’t work!!
When other people talk about student loans, nod your head like you know what they’re talking about.
Don’t forget to say, “Loans, am I right?” as if they somehow affect you. When people talk about income-based repayment plans, don’t fall into the trap of thinking these are bad. Most people love income-based repayment plans because of how low their income is. If this is confusing for you, it’s okay to slow down. Crafting a false sob story is hard work.
Remind people you’re half-Jewish.
Sure you grew up in a safe, well-to-do suburb where the schools were pretty amazing, and yeah your parents maybe technically bought you that PT Cruiser back when they were cool—but you’re a minority on a technicality and your people have been through a lot.
Talk a lot about the difficulties of growing up in a single-parent household.
If you keep the details and pronouns vague enough, people will usually assume you’re talking about your own life, instead of just any life anywhere. Say things like, “Having an absent mother isn’t something anyone should go through.” They’ll think it’s something you lived through instead of just something you think sounds hard.
Change key words in your vocabulary to other things.
For example, always replace the word “yacht” with “shared family bicycle” and the words ”fresh quail eggs” with “Fritos.” That way, a simple sentence like, “We once drove the yacht to get fresh quail eggs,” becomes, “We once drove the shared family bicycle to get Fritos.” This will make a world of difference in maintaining the illusion that you had it pretty rough once upon a time. Some other helpful replacement words include “quinoa” to “store-brand cereal,” and “coconut water” to “a stranger’s pee.” People will be all like, “Whoa, she really overcame some odds to get where she is today!”
So there you have it! A few simple tips to make everyone believe that hey—you’ve overcome a lot in life, and you really deserve everything you’ve worked for. You are so brave!