At some point in our busy lives, we women all face the same embarrassing snafus: your shirt is inside out, you had diarrhea at work, you swallowed a wine cork and now you’re choking. You know how to solve these problems easy-peasy, but there’s one issue that might be too much for your feminine intuition to handle: The patent stilettos you wore once around a DSW have betrayed you, and now you’ve broken your toe in them in public and WILL NOT be shamed into seeking immediate medical attention. Once the adrenaline wears off, here’s how to maintain your stunning exterior despite the complex fracture on your interior.
Out With Friends
You can’t let your girlfriends know you ruined yet another pair of Manolos with blood spatter. Not sure how to fend off their judgy faces? Head to a bar for tequila shots, of course! Your girls will think you’re a real party-starter when you make this suggestion. Here’s why it works for you and your broken phalanges: Tequila shots come with wedges of lime, so you can pucker your face up real tight and no one will know you’re in excruciating pain. As they toss their heads back with laughter, be sure to dump some liquor into your precious pumps and let your toe soak. This is a quick and completely undetectable way to fight off any infection that may incur from a broken skin due to a protruding bone fragment. You sneaky little thing!
On a Hot Date
Show your man how spontaneous you are by challenging him to a ride on the mechanical bull! As you struggle to stay on the faux-bucking bronco, your grimaces will look like you’re focusing on staying on top, instead of focusing on not passing out. During his turn, you’ll look très cowgirl chic while you nibble alluringly on the brim of your cowboy hat. He’ll never know your little secret: that biting on hardened felt is the only thing keeping you from screaming in pain. Yeehaw!
Happy Hour With Coworkers
Your injury is pretty severe, but you can’t forgo that 6 PM working dinner with your colleagues. Now is your chance to show them just how in touch you are with your inner 90s businesswoman. Head to your closest oxygen bar! It’s time to stifle your needy gasps for air as your body slips into shock. Your coworkers will sure be impressed at how deep you puff and with such enthusiasm.
In a Crowd of Strangers
If there is anything you know to be true, it’s that you won’t be made a fool in front of strangers. Time to call in the big dogs and stage a heroic rescue. Stagger to a four-way intersection, and push an unsuspecting victim out of the way of an approaching car that was already slowing to a full stop. This way, your ambling gait will be mistaken for the victory march of someone who was “just doing the right thing.” Also, the person you pushed will likely have a worse injury, so you can sneak away in peace.
Congrats! You are on your way to looking the hottest version of yourself, even if you’ve had a dainty mishap with one of your little piggies. With these tips, you can bet there will be no wee-wee-weeing all the way home.