So you’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks, and the thought creeps in: “Do I like him more than he likes me?” No one wants to be a clingy loser with too many feelings – if you find yourself liking him too much, try these helpful tricks to show you definitely don’t give a shit about him.
1. Don’t answer every text. Nothing screams, “I’m invested!” quite like a rapid-fire response. You know what? Don’t even text him at all. Even if you want to send him three texts in a row about his new puppy because wow you can’t believe you’re #blessed enough to be dating a guy with a husky mix, don’t do it. Let the photo sit there for days. Make him wonder what he possibly could have done wrong. He doesn’t need to know that you’re watching Twin Peaks alone because Dale Cooper’s pompadour reminds you of his pompadour.
2. Don’t ever say, “I love you.” Ever. The first person who says, “I love you” immediately relinquishes any power in the relationship. And that’s not you. Saying, “I love you” is a surefire way to make him think you think this relationship is actually going somewhere, and that’s scary as shit! Make sure he says, “I love you” first, and when he does, just say “thanks dude” or “cool” or “sounds good” because these super chill responses are sure to scare the hell out of him and put him in a really bad place.
3. Get him fired from his job. How else is he going to know just how little you care about him? Plant some questionable material and get him on multiple government watch lists. When he tells you he was fired for conspiracy to commit treason and he knows it’s your fault, don’t act surprised. Tell him you did it because you don’t like him that much. He’ll be hella mad for a hot sec, but at least he knows that he’s 100% the more invested one. And now he has more time to spend with you! Which you don’t want… Because you’re just a go-with-the-flow gal who doesn’t need to see her boyfriend every minute of every day.
4. Stalk and intimidate his family. Listen. For weeks, you’ve been treating him like a piece of trash and changing your Pinterest username so he won’t find the board you created for your hypothetical wedding. But a little voice in your head keeps asking: “Do I like him more than he likes me?” Guarantee that the answer is “nope” by planting fear and anxiety in the people he loves most.
5. Frame him for his family’s murder. Now who’s the one thinking, “Oh shit, am I way more invested in this relationship than they are?” Him! It’s him! Because you have completely ruined his whole entire life which you wouldn’t have possibly done if you were obsessively in love, right?!
You’re definitely not trying to trap him. You just want him to know that you really, truly don’t give a single solitary shit about him by destroying his entire support system so that you’re the only person he has left to lean on. He’ll respect and fear you for how super chill you are.