When you’re in your aimless twenties, it can seem like there are literally billions of men on this earth. So how will you find The One who will suck you dry? Don’t lose hope: Any one of those fuckers can ruin your best years, with just a little effort on your part. That’s right! With our guide, you can let literally any ol’ dude consume this most precious decade and spit it back into your lap once you’re older and wiser and more tired and broken. Here’s how to close your eyes, point out your finger, spin in a circle, and say, “You there! You’re going to absorb my efforts for the rest of my youthful life!”
Don’t just date your “type.” Branch out to other kinds of losers!
It can be tempting to stay within your comfort zone and date the same kind of wrong guy over and over, but remember: We’re casting our net wide here! The key to wasting three to ten years on a guy is making sure he is a totally confusing choice to your friends and family. If you normally date “bartenders who cheat”, try out something new, like “unemployed architect”. Or, if neither of those sounds appealing, try any of these terrible types: “musician who’s in a rut right now”, “trust fund guy with bad breath”, “teacher who hates children”, “man with atypical pet”, or “violently allergic to red food dye, also very mean”. The possibilities are endless!
Remember this formula: Looks > Personality
Your desire for a tall guy with a full head of hair, a killer jawline, and no shoulder hair is valid. It’s okay to put that essential combo ahead of other wants, like a good heart, the ability to empathize, and a clean criminal record. A hot guy will probably become interesting and kind after you spend years making excuses for him. Follow this maxim, and you’ll be all out of “2” candles on your birthday cake before you know it!
Kick the haters to the curb!
Your friends aren’t as dedicated as you are to throwing your most youthful years at the first man to look at you twice, so naturally you might come up against some pushback. Just because your besties know you inside and out, flaws and all, doesn’t mean they get to gently tell you when they’re concerned about you. After all, you’re wasting your twenties on a guy who doesn’t love or respect you, not on your friends who would take a bullet for you! Avoid making time for anyone who points out that your boyfriend is the same guy who got arrested a few years back for giving tattoos to animals. You’ll have plenty of time to foster healthy friendships when you’re unhappily married!
Replace your specific life goals with a random numerical deadline.
Say goodbye to your well-thought-out life goals that you’ve divided into manageable small steps! Identifying what would make you happy long-term will only help you become your best self, which will attract guys who would make a good partner. Blech! You’re looking to date a string of emotionally closed-off jerks until you turn 30. Give yourself the pressure of a random age by which you ought to be married or pregnant, and fixate on that number instead of your actual life circumstances. Decide, “I want to be married by 27,” then scramble around desperately in the dark until all the men your age are either married or dating younger women. Wow—that decade sure went by quick! What were your career goals again?
Learn to ignore the voice in the back of your head that says, “He’s married.”
Show your gut feelings who’s boss! Your inner critic is a powerful force and feeds on your fears and doubts, particularly about whether or not Ben was telling the truth about his “lawyer ring” on his left hand that “all lawyers wear” “for court”. One powerful tool to use when defusing your body’s natural protection instincts is visualization. Visualize the voice that says, “He has a wife and children; you saw the picture; it’s probably not ‘an inside joke’ like he said,” as a little bug. Now, squash the bug. See how easy it is? You’re now free to let this man absorb your youthful ebullience like some sort of Celtic demon until he and his wife decide to go to couples’ therapy. Until then, keep believing him when he tells you that “Wife is “just [his] friend’s name”. Simple!
This is your no-fail guide to wasting your twenties on any guy—guaranteed!