Sometimes people make jokes at your expense, and as a woman you’re socialized to laugh it off. But the truth is what people say can be hurtful. So hurtful, in fact, that you might carry the pain of their words with you until the day you die at which point your son will dedicate his life to avenging you and restoring your honor.
When someone pokes fun at you, it can be hard to not take it personally, but try your best to stay calm. Sure, your coworker Jared made fun of you for always being the first one in and the last one out of the office, but why let that rile you up? For now, that is. In fifty years, you’ll be on your deathbed, and right before you pass an image of Jared laughing at your expense will flash before your eyes. With your dying breath you’ll say, “My son, find Jared. Find him, and destroy him.” And he will! So, chill out!
Have Some Perspective
Even though it’s hard to see the big picture when your friend Angela berates you for drinking so much at brunch, ask yourself whether this will matter in a year, or even next month. If the answer is ‘no’, then release yourself from the anxiety you’re feeling right now. But if the answer is ‘yes’, which makes sense because your name was dragged through the mud, carry the weight of this grudge with you until your son turns eighteen, then bestow him with the family sword. Command him to deliver Angela’s severed head at your feet!
When your mother-in-law tells you she didn’t invite you on the family ski trip because you don’t seem like the ‘sporty’ type, give her a grin and let her know that she was right. Except the truth is, she was wrong, and you’re very sporty. In fact, you’re so sporty, your son will climb buildings and swing from skyscraper to skyscraper using his spidey senses to avenge this wrongdoing. Who’s sporty now, bitch!
When your boss tells you to stay late at work, smile and say, “Of course, no problem.” Even though you will act gracious for the next three decades, someday, you will get your revenge in the form of your son becoming a millionaire and then doing everything in his power to stomp your boss’ family business out of existence! Beyonce was right, “best revenge is your papers!”
Use these tips to laugh like it’s all okay even though of course you will never let this go and eventually you’ll order your son to murder those who’ve done you wrong. Don’t worry, this isn’t bad murder, this is good murder because they were so fucking mean!