How to Keep Your Guy From Removing the Neck Ribbon That Keeps Your Head Tied On

So your sweetheart thinks you’re the bee’s knees, despite the mysterious green ribbon you always wear ’round your neck and refuse to explain. Way to go, lady! Now comes the hard part: keeping his curious fingers away from the precarious knot that holds your decapitated head in place. Boys will be boys, after all, and it’s on us girls to set some boundaries—otherwise we’d all lose our heads! Here’s how to knot-block your scheming beau:

 

Tell him to wait until he marries you.

Men are hardwired to go after what they want right away, no matter what. It’s your job to say, “I’ll tell you why I wear this ribbon someday, if we get married.” This should throw him off your tail long enough to stop asking those pressing questions—men hate marriage! Surely you’ve bought yourself some time with his hands far away from your mystical skull-securing ribbon.

 

 

Tell him to wait until you have kids.

So he called your bluff and now you’re married. Well, congrats, you two! But wait—he’s going to be expecting to get those grubby mitts of his around your head-holder! Not to worry; just tell him you’ll tell him after you have kids. He’ll feel a little cheated, but don’t give in. Men love the hunt! Now that you’re official, it’s okay to let him run his finger along the delicate satin length, but nothing more than that—if he loosens that bow, you might still have a lot of explaining to do. Anyway, he should forget all about it once you’re busy parents. He probably doesn’t even want kids!

 

Tell him to wait just a little while longer.

Well, shit. You had three beautiful children and now there’s your husband, whining and begging about that spooky, charmed choker of yours. Why is he so obsessed with it? He never notices anything else around the damn house; why can’t he just drop it already? There’s nothing that can really come after kids except grandkids, and you know he won’t wait that long. Spew some vague BS about “a little while longer”. He doesn’t need to know the whole thing about you being beheaded by a jealous river witch, then put back together by a benevolent wood nymph. It’s awkward to talk about. Put it off some more and hope he doesn’t ask why.

 

 

Let him do it, but only when you’re really sick.

Okay cool, he bought it, but now you’re gravely ill with a wasting illness, and you’re feeling a little bit “fuck it”. Go ahead and tell him to tug on the end of the bow when you feel the reaper standing near. Your head will pop right off! Give a good cackle while you leave this mortal realm. That’ll teach Dan to question your motives!

 

Remember: Men are animals, and if it weren’t for ladies setting roadblocks, all of our heads would roll clean off!

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