Remember the good old days? Just because you’re an out-of-shape mother of two on the outside, doesn’t mean you can’t feel like a sorority girl on the inside. These simple tips will have you reliving those youthful days of sisterhood that you’ve been longing for in no time:
Aggressively recruit people for your PTA committee
Your husband may trivialize it, but the committee that you end up choosing will become a huge part of your life, so yeah, it’s serious fucking business, Bill. To ensure that your group only includes the best of the best, you’ll have to go the extra mile: sway them with fresh baked goods, bond over personal, heartfelt stories, and seal the deal with the promise of matching Lilly Pulitzer totes.
Haze the girls in your daughter’s Girl Scout Troop
You love your little girl, which is why it’s crucial that she and her friends learn their place as early in life as possible. Assert your dominance by kidnapping them while wearing a hooded black robe as you hurl body-shaming insults in a basement overnight. The other parents might gawk and fuss, but what do those GDIs know about popularity, anyway? Once their tiny souls have been thoroughly molded for the better, pull a complete 180° and shower them with love, hugs, and (obviously) Thin Mints.
Treat your Daughters as “Sisters”
There’s no better way to keep your heritage alive than showing love to your littles. With little Delta and Zeta (DZ represent!!!) zooming around the house, you won’t seem too crazy for treating them as equals – whether it’s organizing your next fundraiser car wash, or pre-gaming on a Friday night! Be sure to tell everyone just how proud you are to have such amazing sisters who have your back (and will hold your hair back) no matter what – even if they need to stand on a stool to do it!
Get drunk and have sex with frat boys!
Nothing says #ThrowbackThursday quite like throwing back a few shots and banging some guy named Keith under his Bob Marley poster! For true authenticity, steal his lacrosse sweatshirt for your walk of shame. It should accessorize nicely with your stilettos and sequined bodycon skirt.
Now you’re all set for your romp down memory lane- just don’t forget your flask of André!