How to Have Your Boyfriend Give You a Valentine’s Rose Like You’re on ‘The Bachelor’

By now you’ve trained your BF to know the basic dos and don’ts of a relationship. He knows that one of the most crucial dos is to get you some fucking roses on Valentine’s Day. But how do you get him to give you a rose less as a loving gesture, and more like you’re a fucking queen who won his affections over a series of eliminations of other attractive and perfectly manicured women? Here’s how:

 

Tell him to get just one rose.

A bouquet is for a married woman, a post-surgery mom, or an old hag placing flowers on a grave. A single rose is for the hottest hot chick prom queen who is now the queen of a hit TV show, whose ass is blemish-free in a tiny bikini in high definition. One rose, Adam. Get this right or your Valentine’s beej will be the coldest you’ve ever had.

 

Make him present it to you in front of an audience.

There’s nothing more vagina-drying than being handed a rose while seated at a dinner table, or in the car when he picks you up, or on your doorstep so you can “put it in water, before you two head out.” A rose should be given like an award. He should stand up, speak slowly, and get the attention of the waiter and other diners. You are special. You won him. The rose is a symbol of him and of you getting him.

 

 

Make sure there are other girls around who aren’t getting a rose.

What’s the fun in getting flowers if there aren’t other women around who aren’t getting them? Come to think of it, he should probably do it at your office. Ideally right after lunch when you ate half a salad and everyone else is feeling fat. He should avert his eyes from the other girls like he feels bad for them. Also, he might want to come in earlier in the week and compliment them so they feel like maybe they actually had a chance with him. And he should wear a tux. Just saying.

 

Helicopter.

If he’s not whisking you away on a helicopter at some point before or after giving you the rose, then what even are we?! You waxed your butt for this. Your whole butt. Your butthole. This wax is gonna be useless in three days or so and it takes at least three hours for you to establish the kind of trust that is going to let you let him near your butthole. So just figure out how to get a helicopter Adam, and for the love of god do not bring more than one rose. This isn’t some apology bouquet. This is you being like, this is The One. The girl out of all of the super hot girls I’m surrounded by. Remember the number one.

 

Over the past seven weeks, you’ve become his queen. Make sure he shows it this Valentine’s Day by bestowing a single rose upon you like America’s watching.

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