How to Grab Your Femininity By the Dick

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Taking hold of our womanhood can be hard, so this fall, latch onto your femininity’s dick and give it a pull so hard its balls blossom straight into marigolds!

 

1. Goddamn Florals
A simple floral dress can give you unspoken grace, so make sure you grab it off the rack before that ASS-BASTARD Lisa does, and ride that nasty dress HARD at your garden party.

 

2. Headbands, You Asshole
The right headband can accent any hair color or type, so be sure to stock up on big fat thick ones, ones with intimidating bows, and hard plastic ones that will send waves of pain through your astronomically-cute beach waves.

 

3. Ballet Flats Straight to the FACE
With fall just around the corner, always have handy a pair of silky ballet flats that your feet can slide into like an anaconda lunging itself at a family of weak mice. Poor stupid mice, you didn’t even see these motherfucking size 7’s coming!

 

 

4. Nail Fucking Polish
The right nail polish can make your nails forceful enough to cut through glass. They could deadlift a pony. They could make you the chiseled, musky monster you’ve always dreamt of becoming. So paint that beautiful mint-green right over their sorry-ass faces. Watch them die. Watch them scream. Topcoat (obviously), and then watch them gasp for air. War is pain is beauty.

 

5. Fingerless Gloves, DICK
With a pair of knit fingerless gloves, you are a fighter. With yarn as thick as steel, your delicate fists could pound a monster truck into pulp. With those hands prepared for a slight breeze, you are a feminine beast. Piss on a community garden. Punch a diamond at Tiffany’s. WRITE YOUR NAME IN MENSTRUAL BLOOD ON THE CONSTITUTION. If Zooey Deschanel and a saber-toothed tiger birthed a life-size unicorn sculpture made of onyx, you could eat it for breakfast because it would only be half of what you are, you Paisley Empress of Pain.

 

So fear not, ladies! Elegant grace is only one giant, pulsating vein away!

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