Are your kids are starting to ask questions about sex? Are they curious about your own sordid past? This is a critical moment in your child’s life, so you must handle it carefully without letting them know about, you know, when Mommy was a big ol’ hoebag. Follow these tips to make sure you teach your kids about the birds and the bees, but NOT about how Mommy used to be a hoe back in her day.
When it comes to big topics like sex, clarity is very important, but not as important as making sure your kids never find out about the shit you were up to in ‘02. So go with something simple like, “If both partners consent, he puts his thing in her thing.” End it right there. Do not continue with, “And hopefully they BOTH get to get to enjoy it, though it took mommy many years and dozens of partners to learn her body.” No anecdotes! Hopefully they will learn themselves, but they do not need to hear it from your ex-hoe mouth.
Answer Questions with a Shrug
If they start interrogating you, resort to a big “I dunno” shrug. You haven’t heard of any of these things. Because in their world, mommy can’t know about a Dirty Sanchez or a Wolfbagging or a Mexican Pancake. In their innocent world, mommy slept in her own bed every night of high school and college until she met daddy. By answering all of their questions dismissively, you are saving your children from the knowledge that mommy has a physical list of all the penises and objects she has had inside her body.
Put the Attention on Daddy
Dodge all of their thoughtful inquiries by saying, “Daddy really knows more about this than me.” This way, your children will always see you as a lustless angel and Daddy as the reckless one who plowed his way through Burning Man pussy-first. Because mommy would never do that. Mommy was always just standing around waiting to become mommy. This is why all of her sex stories are in third person!
If none of these tactics work out the way you hoped, resort to straight-up lying and run far away! Teaching them incorrectly and then bolting may permanently damage their sexual health, but so will the thought of their sweet mother hopping from dong to dong. This tactic will also hopefully scare them into never asking you questions again. Mission accomplished!
Remember to prepare yourself because the time for this uncomfortable talk will arrive sooner than you think. They can never know the truth about where they came from!