How to Get Your Boyfriend to Be Your Mom Until Trump Is Gone

In the current political climate, most women are clamoring to find support and comfort wherever they can. You wish that your mom could be there to make you feel better, but she’s not and your boyfriend is, so that’s gonna be his job now. Sorry, babe! Here’s how to get your boyfriend to be your mom until Trump is gone forever.

 

Show Him The Kitchen

One way that moms make their children feel cared for is by feeding them, especially with special, thoughtful meals they know their daughter – stressed by the threat of losing her rights and body autonomy – would love. But your mom is across the country dealing with her own shit, so your boyfriend better slap on a damn apron and get ready to make your mom’s special mac n’ cheese. You’re going to feel much better eating a meal made with love, or at least with genuine puzzlement that this is his job now.

 

Solicit A Back Rub

Remember when you were a kid and when you were sick? Your mom would rub your back until you fell asleep. Well, now your shoulders are all fucked up from stress-hunching over the computer finding out about the horrors of the current administration, so you’re gonna need a loving, selfless back rub for about four hours every night. And you’re not talking about a sexy backrub you fucking mom-perv, just a gentle, sweet backrub until you drift off to sleep. If he loves you, he’ll do this for you until it’s all over.

 

Cry Until He Fixes It

Some days you’re just so exhausted from feeling scared that you can’t help but cry out of pure desperation. This is a cue for your boyfriend to fucking fix it, like your mom is able to do. Just figure it out, babe! It’s honestly for his own good, because this isn’t going to stop on its own and if he gives up before the job is done, he’s in big trouble because you say mean stuff to your mom that you honestly would never say to anyone else! He doesn’t have to deal with the emotional weight of a sexual predator being in office, so he should just be a mom and deal with it.

 

 

Yell “COMFORT ME!”

If he isn’t taking the hint that he needs to somehow become your mom, spell it out for him by screaming “COMFORT ME!” in his big, clueless face. The enormity of the realization that this is just going to get worse, and that even if Trump goes away, his followers won’t is too much for you to deal with right now so just ask for what you need if he can’t mom-intuit it for you. Yelling “COMFORT ME!” is the simplest way to get him to do what your mom always did, which was comfort you!! NOW!!!

 

This is a challenging time to be a woman, and you won’t be able to get through it without your mom. But since your mom can’t be there right now, it’s gonna have to be your boyfriend, so follow these steps to get him to be your mom until Trump goes away.

 

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