It’s finally time to cut things off with your guy. You’ve been avoiding this breakup for so long because you know how much it will hurt to leave behind that one shirt of his that you’re obsessed with wearing. Here are some tips to smoothly escape this relationship without losing what you care about most:
Pull the Whole “If You Really Care About Me” Thing
He might be thinking you can’t imagine life without him, when really you can’t imagine life without that unreasonably cozy hoodie he got from his grandma in college. Seriously, the lining on the inside is so soft and it falls just below your hips. And the pocket is almost endless. Oops, he’s still talking. Listen closely, because when he says, “I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better,” whip out those puppy-dog eyes and say, “If you really do care about me, you’d let me keep this hoodie…to remember you.” He’ll give in so easily it will almost make you want to try and work things out.
Distract and Grab
If you’re exchanging personal items, fill a large box filled with boy things, a few of which might not even be his. Then just do the ole I’m-About-To-Cry intake of air so he won’t realize you’re still holding his belt that he uses on his hips but you have to use around your waist because it looks so freaking cute with dresses. Your heart may be hurting, but your silhouette will be thriving post-breakup.
Avoid his gaze while he uses flowery language to describe how much you’ve influenced his life. He’ll be thinking of you, but you’re only thinking of one thing: making your swift exit with his pants. If he notices you leaving, visibly choke down a cry and say, “I can’t do this right now,” then run off with those jeans that are so big they make you feel dainty..
Say You Perioded On It
This one’s perfect for his boxers that you use as butt-flattering lady shorts. When he asks for them back, simply blush, say, “It’s my monthly!” and look super uncomfortable. He will rapidly change the subject because female bodies are scary. Don’t feel like a guilty liar, girl; you deserve them! Plus, they look better on you than him!
Really Demolish His Heart
Nothing can pull his focus from your wardrobe steals better than his own emotional suffering. Yell a ton of stuff about how he’s bad and his penis is bad and his sex is bad. He’ll be so flabbergasted, how could he possibly focus on that sick knit cap that’s a perfect color against your skin and so soft you want to die in it?
Face it: He should’ve never offered to let you wear his things if he didn’t want to lose them forever. Whether he’s crying or you’re crying, break it off while you’re still holding onto the one thing that you really cared about in this relationship: his stuff.