How To Get An ‘A’ Rating When You’re Having Sex In A Food Truck

While having sex in a food truck, the last thing you want is for your health inspector to give you anything but an “A” rating. Follow these spicy tips to show your man that you can both take the heat and screw in a very small kitchen all while getting top marks for following the health code.


Readily Accessible Seasonings Makes Your Man Say, “Bam!”

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Shallow containers of common spices easily reachable by any sex position in a food truck. Show your man you know how to season his meat and add a dash of salt and pepper into the action- WITHOUT contaminating any of the meat in his truck. He’ll go so wild with your understanding flavor profiles, you’ll think you’re messing around with Emeril Lagasse the way he’s saying “BAM!” Make sure to put on industrial standard food service grade latex gloves so that your food inspector knows the spices have not been contaminated by your man’s gyro.


Warm Buns and Iced Junk

How many times is a grill involved during sex? When you’re doing the deed in a food truck, the answer is: all of the time! Make your own steamy seat warmer but turning on the grill to low heat and propping your man’s buns on top. Section off a part of the grill so your inspector knows that part of the grill is only for your lover’s buns; food stuff must be kept separate to get an “A” rating.

As things get hot, reach into the ice container, put a piece in your mouth, and start to ice his pop. To uphold health code, make sure you are reaching into the ice container with a clean hand.  Both the sink and the ice container should be an arm’s length away.. If you’re banging in a food truck with at least three stars on Yelp, you will be all set to impress your health inspector and mess with your man’s thermometer.


Remember: This Is A Fucking Food Truck, Not A Fucking Restaurant or A Fucking Truck

Nobody sees a food truck and thinks: “I am going to rent that truck for moving day” or “I made a reservation a week ago they better not sit me by the bathroom or I will speak to a manager this time, Denise.” They think, “I am going to eat something that was made in a cramped space all next to a steering wheel.” So channel your inner food truck and try that thing you told your friends you never would do but always wanted to do. Write out sex menu of positions in a cute font to get yourself excited. Make sure your freakiness doesn’t attract mice or roaches. In order to secure a top-rating with both your man and your inspector, you need to properly pest-proof your kitchen.  Nothing ruins the mood like a rodent.


There’s a 30-Minute Lunch Line, USE IT

The suits are outside waiting for their pork belly and pickled slaw tacos, little do they know you are slingin’ a whole bunch of love inside the truck. Nothing more scandalous than knowing there are hungry, overworked people with only an hour to spare right outside your order window. Put up a sign that says, “Don’t get your panties in a twist! Will be back in a few…” and use your customers aggravated guffaws as the soundtrack to your panties getting twisted! If you’re really a she-devil, continue taking orders, preparing food, and exchanging cash for services…and just keep having sex that whole time. That’s a really important part: just keep having sex the whole time. But make sure you and your man are wearing hair nets. Your health rating will go down a grade if you get one hair in the guacamole.


Now go on, you kinky little chef! But remember, wrap it up. Wrap everything up or put it in Tupperware. Storing your ingredients in the proper temperature is extremely important; your inspector will be on top of you for that. And you already have someone on top of you because you’re a badass b with an “A” rating that’s bangin’ a dude in your very own food truck.