It’s summer and that can only mean one thing: It’s time for your white friends to hold up their forearms to yours and be upset that you’re so much tanner than they are! Here are the nicest ways to break it to your white friends that you’re “tanner” than them because you were born with more melanin and that’s how skin works.
Remind Them That They’re White
As a person of color, you know that every summer, your white friends are going to look at your body longingly and say, “Ugh, it’s not fair – you’re so much tanner than me!” It’s clear from this comment that they have simply forgotten that they are white. Your “tanning” head start is simply because you have more melanin in your skin than they do. Don’t attack them; they probably just forgot that they’re white for a second. Gently pat them on their lily white arm and say, “There, there, I was tanner the day I was born than you will ever be. It’s not your fault, you’re a white person.” They needed to hear that.
Point Out That Tans Are Not The Key to Happiness
Sometimes white friends forget that your “tan” has been the root cause of the oppression of millions of people for thousands of years, and it didn’t just pop up because you spent the last two weekends at the beach. So tell them that. Also gently remind them how tan Snooki was that time she got arrested for public intoxication on the beach. Tans are not the key to happiness, so maybe they should be more jealous of your amazing wit and generosity of spirit!
Offer Them Some Helpful Advice
Tan-ness is not a race! But your “tan” is mostly because of your race. So when your friends are feeling lost in their paleness, give them some advice on how you got all that melanin stocked up in the first place. Maybe their parents should have gone back in time and found browner or blacker people to have sex with! If their parents just did what your parents did, they could have been melanin-licious just like you!
Rip Your Skin Off and Give it To Them
If they’re still upset that the sun hates them, there’s one final thing you can do to help them out: Rip your skin right off your body and give it to them. Wrap it tight around them and rock them until they feel better. Sing a soft song about how melanin also makes your hair and eyelashes darker if they want to be jealous of that, too!
As a friend, it’s important that you be there for your friends when they’re distraught. So tell your friends that you’re not really tanner than them, you just have a different set of ancestors. And also you stole all their melanin in the night and you’ll never give it back!