So you finally did it! You cut out your daily cup of joe because it kept leaving you with racing thoughts and the jitters. But it turns out you kind of miss the increased heartrate and relentless anxiety. Here’s how to make sure that your chronic anxiety persists even after the traces of caffeine have left your bloodstream.
Call your mom, or someone else who is triggering!
Now that your body’s default setting isn’t chemically in high alert, make sure to seek out life stressors that exist in your life organically. This will justify why you’re “on the verge of a nervous breakdown” when people ask how you’re doing. A judgmental sigh from your mother on the phone should do the trick. She just wonders why you struggle so much and if you’ll ever truly be happy. Thanks, Mom!
Explain to everyone why you stopped. Constantly.
Since you’re an anxious person, you might feel the urge to explain to all your coworkers why you’re not partaking in everyone’s favorite morning pick-me-up. That’s why you’ll want to be clear that the anxiety you formerly exhibited due to the caffeine will now be exhibited due to caffeine withdrawal. It’s stressful and embarrassing to admit that this low-grade stimulant has such a hold on you, but that’s the kind of stress that you thrive on, so get it, girl!
Find a new destructive habit to do with a destructive friend.
Does Party Heather from HR go out to the patio seven times a day to enjoy her pack of Marlboro 27’s. Did you two just become best friends? You’re damn right you did! Did she just ask if you want a sip of her vodka water bottle? At 11am? This will get you worried, but just remember you can go back to caffeine at any time.
Stress about what it means that you would rather be incredibly anxious than give up coffee.
Are you a masochist? It’s almost like you don’t even WANT to be happy. Have a soothing but soon to be worry inducing sip.
Go back to drinking coffee.
Fuck it. You cut out caffeine but you still felt super anxious all day. What is even the point? Screw the whole thing and go back to drinking coffee. Heck, have two cups. It doesn’t fucking matter.
We all have our vices. Yours is the need to feel anxious camouflaged in the need for caffeine. So just go with it!