How to Break the Glass Ceiling Without Making a Mess

Gender bias is everywhere—especially in the workplace. Despite kicking ass and taking names, we always seem to hit that dreaded glass ceiling. But breaking things can be super messy, and it sucks. If you are determined to break that glass ceiling and get ahead in your career, here’s how to do it without getting glass shards all over the office and making a huge mess you’ll probably have to clean up later.

 

Set aside time each day for expending your least attractive emotions.

The most powerful female executives in the business world all have one thing in common: They all make the time to practice expressing their emotions in just a fraction of a second, because any more than that would really become a burden for everybody else. Start by setting aside just five minutes a day to work on demonstrating NSFW feelings like anxiety, hysteria, outrage, and schadenfreude. Some great places for this practice are your car, the elevator, and the bathroom on the third floor. After some repetition, you’ll be able to cycle through those pesky emotions so quickly that no one will even notice. This frees you up enough to focus on figuring out how to convince people to take you seriously.

 

Network, network, network—but not too much!

In the business world, networking is everything. But while you’re out there copping business cards left and right like a total boss-ass bitch, just make sure you’re not coming off as desperate. Sure you can take a guy’s business card, but don’t follow up with him on anything cause that would be weird. You don’t want to scare him off! Let him connect with you first. Anyway, you don’t want the other women in your office to think you’re sleeping your way to the top, do you? That’s super gross. Jeez, have some self-respect.

 

 

Adopt a zero-tolerance sexual harassment policy, except for Chris and the guys on the fifth floor!

Sexual harassment is still rampant in the workplace, even though people seem to think we’ve eradicated it for good. It’s so important that you enforce a zero-tolerance policy for inappropriate touching or unsolicited sexual comments while at work, except for your bosses who are responsible for promoting you. You absolutely must not piss them off. Don’t go and make happy hour weird when Chris makes a hilarious “how ‘bout you let ME breastfeed” or “make me a sandwich!” joke. Be chill! He is your boss.

 

Instead of going on maternity leave, bring your baby to work with you.

Going on maternity leave is frowned upon by those in upper management, for whom the glass ceiling is merely a crystal floor. If you demonstrate that you’re putting your baby’s needs before the Big Account’s needs, you’re really creating an uncomfortable situation for upper management, and can kiss that promotion goodbye. That’s why you need to BYOB (bring your own baby! We didn’t even realize how versatile this acronym was). If you bring your baby to work with you, then no one can get mad at you for taking time off. But DO NOT LET HIM MAKE A MESS because you are responsible for that, too.

 

 

It’s 2015, and women are just as capable as men at running the company. While that glass ceiling still exists, there are ways to shatter it without making a total mess everywhere. Follow these easy steps and you’re on your way to becoming a total girl boss!

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