How to Blame Your Roommate for Eating All of Your Food When You Don’t Have A Roommate

Looks like that plan of making meals from groceries this week didn’t pan out as you hoped! Why? Because of the same reason you’re not allowed at mixers with hors d’oeuvres: You can’t be trusted with an ample food supply in one place. Now your friends are coming over and you don’t have even a single Triscuit to serve because you fucking ate everything! Usually you’d blame this on a roommate, but you live alone now so you can’t, right? Wrong! Here are some fun ways to propagate blame to the easiest scapegoat—your roommate, who doesn’t exist.

 

Schedule a Roomster meeting so you can yell at a stranger.

When you refuse to own up to the consequences of your actions, simply create a profile and invite over a nice stranger looking for a place to live. When your friends arrive, make sure they walk in on you berating him about eating the enchiladas you just made. You’ll feel so proud that you stood up for yourself even though you had nothing to stand for!

 

Leave passive-aggressive Post-Its.

There’s nothing like a classic sticky note argument between roommates to demonstrate publicly that there are unresolved issues and resentment. Now you just get to do it to yourself so you have total control over both sides of the fight, all the while convincing your guests that your lack of food is a sore subject! Go on, have fun with it!

 

 

Tell your friends that the hallway closet is where Svetlana lives.

If you already inhaled the hummus, pita, and charcuterie plate you were planning on setting out for game night, don’t run down to the corner store to get more snacks! Just divulge the tale of Svetlana, your new Craigslist roomie from Russia who doesn’t understand boundaries yet, especially when it comes to smoked meats. Your friends will know you didn’t scarf down your entire pantry in eight seconds, and even better, they’ll think you live in a two-bedroom apartment! Free upgrade!!

 

Yell at the wall!

Your guests have no way of knowing who or what is or isn’t on the other side of that living room wall. So scream something inflammatory about manners then shrug and say, “Maybe she’s not home. ” They’ll be uncomfortable enough not to ask too many questions. Roommates, amiright?

 

Living alone is the best, even if you are your own terrible roommate. Fortunately you can use your creativity to help preserve valued friendships—and make sure they host next time.

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