Summer is the time for beach vacays and weekend getaways. But nothing can hamper your holiday like a visit from Aunt Flo, which is the last wave on the beach that you want to ride. When visiting someone’s home, it’s important to be a gracious guest, which means not smearing your menstrual blood all over their house. Follow these tips and your pesky period won’t be a problem for everyone else:
Provide fair warning.
Prior to your arrival, be sure to let your host know that your uterus is shedding its lining, and there is blood and menstrual tissue oozing out of your vagina. They’ll be grateful for the heads-up so that when thick, gelatinous blood starts overflowing from your underwear, they can lay down some tarps prior to your arrival.
Wipes! Use lots of wipes!
Be sure to bring plenty of baby wipes and Lysol cleaning cloths to clean up all the stains you leave on their beautiful, freshly polished hardwood floor as the copious amounts of period blood complies with the force of gravity. Defuse a potentially messy situation by explaining to your hosts, “Sorry for the inconvenience, but I can’t help it if I’m a regular Spotty Dotty this weekend. It’s nature’s way!” Clearing the air will leave you guys free to enjoy each other’s company, despite the mammalian waste product that’s escaping your drawers.
Come bearing gifts.
Consider bringing a gift as a way to thank your hosts in advance. It’s a caring and thoughtful gesture that demonstrates your gratitude for them putting up with the gushing forth of your ripe womanhood. Classic gift ideas include a bottle of wine or a nice scented candle. The scented candle can be especially handy to distract from the tangy and metallic scent of the uterine lining you are freely shedding from your vagina in their presence. And if they do notice, well, wine helps!
Navigating sleeping arrangements during Leak Week can be tricky. To be safe from unsightly spills, bring your own sheets. Nothing is more embarrassing than when your lady dam breaks and surges through your PJs and all over their crisp white linens! We recommend layering heavy flannel obsidian black sheets to hide your shame. If you’ve got a serious case of the bleedies, you might consider bringing a mattress cover. Airbnb doesn’t reimburse hosts for bloodstained mattresses!
Stay tidy, and hide the evidence.
Keep your guest area neat and tidy. Don’t forget to fold your towels, and make sure your plethora of extra-firm cooter plugs and industrial-strength adult diapers are folded and tucked out of sight. Your period may be God’s punishment, but that doesn’t mean you can leave your tampons all over the place! Now that would be original sin!
Profess your gratitude.
Lastly, always remember to send a thank-you note. Let them know how much fun you had and how sorry you were for hemorrhaging all over their white couch. Assure them you will pay for the damage. And for heaven’s sake, try not to get any blood on the envelope!
Follow these tips and you should be able to get through the weekend without filling their house with blood!