People with periods know that the cost of menstrual products can quickly add up. For as long as I can remember, I was frustrated by having to shell out every month for expensive tampons, since alternative products like menstrual cups never worked well for me. Then one day, I met Vlad, and everything changed for me.
Vlad is a vampire, but he’s also my boyfriend. Since we started dating, I’ve hardly had to use tampons at all.
I know what you’re thinking: Do you save your period blood and give it to Vlad to sustain him? No, that’s insane. Vlad drinks my period blood directly out of my vagina because it’s better when it’s fresh and directly from the source. It’s like farm-to-table but instead it’s my birth canal to Vlad’s mouth.
What Vlad and I have is the definition of a symbiotic relationship. He eats, I come, and we’re both happy.
I know my partnership with Vlad sounds like a dream, but it isn’t always easy. Our relationship is a little hot and cold sometimes. Specifically, it’s hot when I’m on my period and he eats me out all the time, and it’s cold the rest of the month when he’s very hungry.
Also, like any envy-inducing couple, we have our haters. Some people say things like, “Oh my god, that is so disgusting, it makes me uncomfortable to hear the words you are saying.” And to those people I say, please don’t yuck our yum. Our society makes life needlessly difficult for menstruating people and also for vampires, so if Vlad and I can alleviate some of those stressors for each other, we should be supported.
When I was a little girl watching Twilight, I never thought that one day I would have a hot vampire lover of my own to go down on me constantly for the three to five days of my cycle, which Edward presumably also did for Bella though it was never explicitly addressed. I think that that little girl would feel very proud if she could see me now. Plus, tampons are like ten dollars a box.
Of course, Vlad doesn’t just have my shedded uterine lining, he has my whole heart. Our love and my tampon savings are immense, and I hope we’ll be together forever, until menopause do us part.