We all have that friend who’s impossible to shop for, and just kind of impossible in general. Who does Chantelle think she is, anyway, parading around with her “hair” and her “LinkedIn account” and her “irrepressibly sunny outlook on life”? It’s weird, right? Like, what’s her deal? This year, treat the Chantelle in your life to the holiday gift she deserves. Whether you’re looking for something perfectly perplexing, delightfully degrading, or just outright alienating, we guarantee that these goodies will wipe that snug smile off her face for good, or at least until the new year.
To make her question the devotion of those she loves… Passive-Aggressive Craft
To inspire a profound but inarticulable sense of unease, try gifting her a hand-embroidered portrait of her dog…with you, because he loves you more. This is a great way to imply that even to her most beloved four-legged friend, she is merely a replaceable caretaker. The next time Fido doesn’t want to cuddle, she’ll take it personally, even if she doesn’t know why. Nice!
To remind her what it feels like to be the butt of a joke… Mean Gag Gift
Remember that time in high school when she didn’t know what a clove cigarette was, and everyone was like, “Haha, whaaaaaaaat?” That was the best day of your life, and probably the worst day of hers, since she went on to get into her top choice college and have an awesome career and marry the nicest fucking guy….Anyway, get her a pack of clove cigarettes! It’ll seem like a nod to a cute inside joke, but hopefully it’ll also cause her to relive the embarrassment of that day just a little bit. That is, if she’s not too well-adjusted to have moved on.
To make her unsure of your friendship… Half-Assed DIY Gift
If you’re a Pinterest aficionado, take all of five minutes to make her a generic Mason jar gift, i.e. a one-dollar jar filled with store-bought cookies, “handy” paper clips, or impractically stacked recipe ingredients. This gift makes a statement, and that statement is, “I think you’re basic as hell, Chantelle.” How’s that feel, Chantelle?
To make her even more unsure of your friendship… Obvious Re-gift
For a more subtle sendup, get her something touchingly personal that she’ll genuinely appreciate. But use crumpled wrapping paper and smudge the recipient section on the tag ever so slightly, so that she’ll lie awake at night wondering if it was a re-gift. If she even has the energy to worry about that kind of petty stuff. She does have a lot of fulfilling hobbies.
To get her fucking lotion… Fucking Lotion
Still unsure how to break her spirit? Get her lotion. A scented lotion gift set clearly says, “Either I don’t like you that much, or I waited until the last minute to get you something. Also, I think you smell bad.” Bonus points if it’s one of those clearly discounted fragrances that didn’t make it into the permanent collection. That bitch. She always smells so good.
Holiday gift-giving is already a minefield of expectation and expense; stressing out over what to get your baselessly infuriating friend will only make you madder. And that’s exactly what she wants! Or is it? She’s kind of hard to read. Ugh, what is with her?