Hillary Clinton’s Withering Stare Begins Early Campaign for 2016

Hillary Clinton

In a surprise press conference Friday, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton shocked the beltway press by announcing her withering stare’s intention to run for president in 2016. “We wanted to wait,” Clinton said. “But my stare is powerful, and thinks the time is now.”


Clinton then turned her back to the press and spun back around dramatically, staring at gathered reporters one by one for over thirty-five seconds straight. When NBC’s Chuck Todd asked a follow-up, Clinton shushed him without breaking her stare—waiting twelve seconds before asking, “Any questions?”



The announcement came in the wake of an eventful few months for Clinton—including the end of her term as Secretary of State, heated congressional hearings on Benghazi, hospitalization for a blood clot, and all that business about her hair.


It was during January’s hearings on Libya that her stare made its intentions known. The stare locked on Republican Congressman Jeff Duncan after he asked Clinton what the consulate attack meant to her. After a long pause, Duncan cleared his throat, while Clinton stared unblinkingly for forty-seven more seconds. Asked for comment, Duncan shook his head: “I didn’t want to believe Secretary Clinton, but that stare would never allow any diplomats to be killed, let me tell you.” He added, “Have you seen how blue her eyes are? It’s like I’m being stared at by the next president of the United States.”


Former president Clinton praised his wife’s stare as “the most withering and scariest one I’ve seen. Believe you me, I have had moments where I swear those eyes would shoot lasers … if the technology existed.”


The stare also has international reach: Chinese Ambassador to the United States Li Zhaoxing has confirmed that Clinton’s Chinese nickname, Longan, is not only a native fruit tree but also means “dragon eye”. The ambassador quickly added that this is a compliment. “China is behind anything Clinton says or does,” he said. “She’s a terrifying goddess.”


It will be a few years before the withering stare can actually run for president, but in the meantime it has already gotten endorsements from Elizabeth Warren’s sensible nod and that thing Nancy Pelosi does with her mouth when she’s mad. Clinton’s right fist, which she pounded on the table during the Benghazi hearings, is already being vetted for vice president.


Clinton herself has not yet declared any early presidential intentions, citing the need to take a break from the last few years’ hectic pace and to, she says, “work on the stare and get the brow furrowed just right for that first round of primaries.”


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