Reunion season is upon us: It’s a chance for former classmates reconnect! Unfortunately, you’re the one who – after overhearing your classmates’ plans to get drunk on their way – told the vice principal about their dangerous plan, then watched the administration cancel your own senior prom. But the high school reunion is your chance for a comeback! Here are a few outfits that will distract everyone from that time you ruined prom for everyone:
Cropped velour tracksuit: When your former classmates ask you what you do, tell them you’re a cheerleader for a professional sports team; but because of league ordinances, you can’t specify where or for what sport. “What a jet-setter,” they’ll whisper to each other during the ‘Remember When’ slideshow. “I wonder which hip-hop star she’s dating.” They’ll be too busy trying to think of a team whose mascot is “PINK” to remember that you once singlehandedly aborted the thrilling culmination of their youth.
Black knee-length skirtsuit: Any outfit that Claire Danes’ might wear in Homeland will hint that you deal with very important matters of the state. As your loser classmates drown their personal failures in booze, express fascination with their lives, before solemnly lamenting that you can’t talk about your own. Schedule an automated call to your cellphone and mutter something about “POTUS” before excusing yourself to take the call. Your former peers will be certain that they’re remembering senior year wrong: Surely this shadowy government figure is too good at keeping secrets to have spilled the beans to Vice Principal Andersen about the lacrosse team’s booze-soaked limousine.
Prep it out! Pop the collar of your stiffest kelly-green polo, and cinch it under a Lily Pulitzer gingham skirt. Even if you weren’t one of the fun, sporty kids back in high school, you’re sure as hell going to look like you are now. Order a double vodka-water and start bringing up anecdotal facts about the lacrosse coach and former teammates. The former LaX kids will wonder to each other, “Was SHE the one who went to Andersen? But she seems so much like one of us, like someone who’s been happily drinking since puberty. We must have our facts mixed up.”
Take on a new identity. Don’t think you have to wear a Groucho Marx nose and glasses to hide your true appearance. Paired with a fresh, ultra-trendy outfit that’s distinctly not like you at all, slap on a new face to go with your new identity. Grab the nametag of a classmate who couldn’t make it or who died, lean by the bar all night and see who remembers you. It might just be the magical night that you and your 300 classmates never had.
Just because you were the pariah of your high school class doesn’t mean you have to skip the reunion. With the right outfit and attitude, you’ll help them forget they all wrote, “DIE & DIE SOON” in your yearbook. Your high-school reunion will be the perfect epilogue to your adolescence!