My coven is a hard-working group of witches, so this year we decided to sync our periods. We figured it’d be a lot easier all having our periods at the same time instead of having rotating witches feeling bloated and cranky, not to mention how cool it is to get your period at the full moon like a bunch of goddesses. So after much deliberation, we finally gave into syncing with Rhiannon’s powerful uterus.
Unfortunately, now our spells are all fucked up and we’ve realized this was a really bad decision. Transformation spells aren’t transforming, disappearing spells aren’t disappearing, and every man who has wronged us is surviving and going on to great success! This is absolutely tragic for my coven, which formerly held tight to a nearly 98% spell success rate.
Turns out having different witches feel hormonal at different times of the month was actually a good thing?
So there’s usually a lot of blood in this cave, but that shit is off the charts now. And it’s not the kind of blood you want, like the blood of a man raining down on you from a successful hex. It’s waves and waves of menstrual blood, and it’s getting our wands and cauldrons very wet (in a bad way). If you have any literature on this topic, please feel free to share.
We’re pretty sure this has something to do with the moon and balance and cycles, but honestly we didn’t do much research before we decided to go all in on syncing up. I mean that sounds bad, but I swear that my coven, No Cov No Love, is the best coven out there! Way better than Bun in the Coven, which only takes mom witches (honestly, they have no idea what they’re doing).
So can anybody help us with some kind of regular Western medicine trick? We don’t usually turn to pedestrian solutions, but at this point we’ll try anything. Even birth control and that shit makes us crazy. Like hexing-our-own-mom crazy. We found out that the scope of our damage extends far beyond our unified reproductive organs, also…wow. This explains all of the Trump stuff. Our bad!
Anyway, if you have expertise on moons or snatches or cycles, please conjure us. Or…wait, how do you women summon others without magic? Do you use you vaginas? Please vaginally summon us. And clench hard, ‘cause these spells are bonkers!