As a woman, you only have one purpose in life: Make there be babies. As you age, you hear that internal clock ticking away, telling you it’s getting closer to that special time in your life. You know, the time where your body gets that special feeling that’s like no other; the feeling to peer pressure your friends into having babies so you can play with them, and then go home to a quiet, restful slumber, childless and content.
It’s getting harder and harder to resist the urge.
Sometimes my body ticks so loud that it’s impossible to ignore. My friends hear it coming from inside me and they feel so much pressure to bear children so that I can satisfy my motherly instincts. But only occasionally, because duh, babies are exhausting.
It’s always surprising how little control I have over this feeling! Every time i see a cute little foot, I start screaming, “GIVE ME A BABY! GIVE ME A BABY NOW (FOR ABOUT 45 MINUTES OR UNTIL IT GETS CRANKY, THEN TAKE IT BACK AND GIVE ME A NEW, BETTER BABY)!”
Sometimes I wish I could be a man so I wouldn’t care so much about making my friends have children so I can play with them for like five minutes or maybe like, a quick walk in the park. If I were a man, I would see a baby and just drop kick it into the street. But sigh, I am a lady, cursed to always want my friends to procreate and then show me their babies so I can go like “AWWW” and then go home because I’m so tired and I just want to be alone.
Sometimes my uterus talks to me at night. It wakes me up. It tells me to call Megan at 3am, lightly hypnotize her sleepy mind, and convince her not to use condoms sometimes. Because I need to see a big ole baby and squeeze it and then be like, “Okay, your problem now!”
I’m really sorry to my friends, but I can’t control what my biological clock is telling them to do. I mean, it is me saying all these things and I do have a little control over what comes out of my mouth. But it’s coming from a place of love! It’s also coming from that pesky clock that doesn’t want my body to go through labor but definitely wants to squeeze something fat that smiles.
I just don’t know how to make my biological clock stop ticking aggressively at my friends. If you know how, please send help!
But also, I hope my friends stop talking about their babies so much. They’re only cute when I’m in the mood to squeeze a baby. Otherwise, why would you have babies when you could take shots and have sex with a stranger?