Help! My Barre Class Got Raptured

After years of belonging to gyms that never quite worked for me, I finally found a workout that I love: The Bar Method. I’ve never been an “exercise” person, so imagine my surprise when, after three months of dedicated workouts, everyone in my barre class was suddenly and inexplicably raptured into the heavens, leaving me and only me behind. Did this happen to anybody else today? Just me? Weird.


If you’re unfamiliar, the Bar Method is a ballet-inspired full-body workout that utilizes tiny movements over a prolonged period of time to shape, strengthen and tone your muscles. The Rapture is when all Christians—alive and dead—rise into the sky to be with Christ for eternity. It’s crazy to think that The Rapture happened in a barre class, but it did and now all the hot moms I work out with are gone forever. I mean, has anybody seen Kristi?


I’ve loved coming here for the community, which makes it super disappointing that they were all sucked up into the sky with no warning or explanation. The front desk people all knew my name, which makes it an even bigger bummer that everyone in my class is now gone from this earth so they may stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ. It’s like, you finally find something that works and then everyone has to go and get raptured. Ugh!!



The first thought that crossed my mind when everyone was suddenly raptured was, naturally, why not me? Why did God take everyone in this Advanced Barre Flow class except for me? Is it because my tuck was lazy? I mean sure, right before the rapture, the teacher said, “engage your core,” and I was like, “Okay, yeah sure bish, you think I can engage my core when my friggin’ legs are up in the air? Get bent,” and then—POOF—everyone was straight-up raptured. Suddenly, I was on the floor, propped up by seven tiny mats because of my tight hips, completely and utterly alone, balancing a beach ball between my thighs.


Or maybe I didn’t get raptured because I’m Jewish? I am so Jewish. But like, Kristi was at least half-Jewish so this still isn’t adding up for me.


Whatever really happened in class today, I guess I’ll feel good entering the End Times with a high ass, firm thighs, and a solid 90-second plank. Until anyone lets me know why this inexplicably happened to my entire barre class without me, I guess I’ll be at Planet Fitness with the rest of the untaken ones. FML, ya know?


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