Health experts have recently reported that there’s a new deadly habit even worse than smoking: sitting. Because too sedentary a lifestyle can cause deathly side effects, doctors are highly encouraging anyone who works in an office to stand more throughout the day, even though it makes them look like total losers.
That’s right – sitting is the new smoking, and all the cool kids are doing it.
“Gone are the days of killing yourself softly in a pillowy cloud of carcinogens,” says Dr. Gayatri Iyengar. “The new slow death is all about plunking your butt down, then just ignoring your Fitbit. And yes, all the trendsetters you wish you were friends with do it every day. That doesn’t mean you should. Then again, I’m a doctor and I am not very cool.”
First made popular by famous sitters such as Buddha, Whistler’s Mother, judges on The Voice, and even members of the Babysitters Club, sitting quickly became the pastime de rigeur of people so fucking cool they didn’t even care that their life forces were being absorbed by their seats.
“That’s the tricky thing about sitting – at first it seems to produce many awesome benefits, such as relaxation and laps for small dogs,” says DrJenna DiGalbo, who also worked on the report. “Plus, your coolest friend Kelly will be so jealous of you being the first in your friend group to adopt this genuinely effortless posture of cool. But, know that the coolness of sitting comes at the price of death.”
The average American accepts this price though because sitting just seems so indisputably cool. For example, amazing Japanese graphic designers do it on public buses. Witnesses do it on stands. The Queen of England literally is the queen because she gets to sit when no one else can. Also, when badass people tell you to “get bent,” what they’re really saying is, “Sitting is the shit!”
Despite its widespread popularity in movie theaters and airplanes with the seatbelt light on, sitting has come under fire by conservative critics like your coworker, who runs on a treadmill desk and claims that sitting indicates a lack of ambition, sub par posture, and an inferior line of sight.
However, he’s not the only one unreasonably concerned by the unstoppable trend of sitting.
“Tiffany used to be captain of our debate team,” says Nicole Fiskel, a high school student whose friend has been affected by sitting. “Now she skips practice and hides under the bleachers with the other kids who are, you know, sitting.”
“At the very least, it should be illegal for expectant mothers,” says Dr. Iyengar. “We need to give our children safe places to grow and lead upstanding, vertical lives. We shouldn’t put them at risk just because their mothers want to look awesome by putting on a leather jacket and then planting their seat on a chair.”
Unfortunately, the health experts who conducted this study have not found any replaceable activity that makes anyone look as cool as sitting. Until then, the American population remains at risk of burning out early in the brilliant blaze of glory that is remaining seated.