The holidays are a special time to be with the people you love, which is exactly why you refuse to fly back home to spend Thanksgiving with your parents. You’re craving a new holiday tradition, one that involves your boyfriend of almost-five months bringing you home with him—only problem is, he hasn’t asked you yet! Whether you’re too nervous to invite yourself, or you asked and he said “um, one second I have to go to the bathroom,” here’s a list of tips that will leave him no choice but to bring you home for Thanksgiving!
Insinuate that You Might Fuck Your Cousin
A spin on the tried-but-true “make him jealous” scheme, this plan is all about convincingly suggesting that if you go home to your family, you’ll have no choice but to give in to the lifelong sexual tension between yourself and your first cousin, Marvin. Start off subtle, showing your boyfriend a picture of Marvin on facebook, and ask “don’t you think my cousin, whom I am related to by blood, has turned into a fuckable young guy?” Bring him up in as many as conversations as possible and mention how you hope you have a cousin sleepover this holiday weekend. By the time you’re shouting Marvin’s name during sex, your boyfriend will be falling over himself trying to stop you from going home and will have no choice but to invite you to his Thanksgiving … now that’s something to be grateful for!
Say that Your Family Died
You can’t go home to your family when you have no family to go home to, right? Spin a harmless fib and tell your guy that your family has passed away—every dang person, even little baby Elsie! Tearfully recount the tragic events that led to the demise of each member of your family throughout the seven states in which they live. Keep lamenting that you have “no one to go home to.” Your boyfriend would be a monster not to give you the love you deserve in such a wrenching time of grief … now that’s something to be grateful for!
Get Yourself on the No-Fly List
Legally change your name to one of the 2,500 people on the United States’ No-Fly List to make it damn near impossible to go home to your family! Who wouldn’t take pity on his girlfriend, when she’s faced with such an unfair flight limitation? Of course, if you want to really seal the deal you can actually commit an act of terrorism. Now that’s something to be grateful for!
Break Your Boyfriend’s Legs
If, in a tragic turn of events, your boyfriend’s mobility is compromised, he will need significant assistance to travel to his family’s house for Thanksgiving. That’s where you come in! Whether you pay someone to “Nancy Kerrigan” his knees or sedate him before putting him behind the wheels of a car, this plan is a first class ticket to your fella’s Thanksgiving where his family will see what a caring and sweet person you are … and to practice girl-on-top! Now that’s something to be grateful for!
Actually Kill Your Family
Sure, maybe you’ll snag an invite to your boyfriend’s family’s place this Thanksgiving, but that’s not really a long-term plan. If you’re a big picture type of gal, you’re going to want a permanent solution, so why not actually kill your family? Make elaborate plans to execute each of your relatives in a series of efficient and deadly “accidents.” Fly back home for dinner with your honey, so he never suspects a thing! Your boyfriend will be wrapped around your murderous little finger. Now you’re something to be grateful for!
Whatever your style, there’s a devious solution for getting your boyfriend to invite you to his family’s house for Thanksgiving so they can see what a wonderful girlfriend you are.