Merrybeth Logan, a 24-year-old law student at Columbia, accidentally suffered a massive tear along her rectum after sneezing during a recent lecture after attempting to make her squeak of a sneeze sound cuter.
When Merrybeth realized her rectum was torn asunder, she began screaming, “Ah, fuck! My butthole!”
Professor Paul Wilchaft, who was teaching the class when this happened, says he’s never heard a sneeze sound so adorably harmless and cute. But after being rushed out of the classroom on a stretcher, Merrybeth was taken to Mount Sinai Hospital, where a butt specialist declared this to Merrybeth’s “the worst sneeze-related tear I’ve seen in my entire career.”
“Anal fissures happen every day, but when your sneezes are as childlike as a female character in an anime film, your rectum simply cannot recover from that,” says internist Dr. Richard Morgan. “It’s an epidemic on par with vocal fry, just out the other end.”
Merrybeth’s best friend, Stacey, confessed that Merrybeth had a tear-scare back in June, when one of her tiny sneezes sent her to the ER with a swollen anus. Family members pleaded with Merrybeth to stop sneezing like a little cartoon kitten. “It’s okay to sound like Juggernaut when you sneeze,” said Merrybeth’s mom, Kathleen. “Just think about your butthole for God’s sake. It won’t be 24 years old forever.”
“At first you’re amazed at how adorable her sneeze is and really admire her for being such a lady,” states Merrybeth’s boyfriend of two months, Darren. “But when you see the damage this has done to her, it doesn’t seem nearly worth it.”
“I used to Snapchat her sneezes—they were that delightful,” he adds. “Now I wish I could take those snaps back.”
Merrybeth is currently stable and scheduled to have some of the scar tissue surgically removed from her butthole next week.
In the wake of this event, doctors stress the dangers of trying to sound like an adorable chipmunk while sneezing. Real sneezes are loud and not cute, but are part of life and do not tear apart one’s nether regions.