It’s late summer, and you know what that means: back-to-school! But what if you haven’t been in school for over a decade? Literally don’t worry about it. Just because you’re not going back to school doesn’t mean you can’t still buy a few plaid skirts down at the mall. Check out our back-to-school favorites for women who will soon have to switch birth control formulas due to their age:
Mohair-blend Cardigan (H&M, $69.99)
Fall back? More like held back! You’re totally passing for a super senior in this H&M cardigan. The loose-fitting sleeves are perfect for skipping board meetings to smoke in the parking lot. Very little has changed for you!
School Uniform Pleated Skort (Justice, $16.03)
This school-mandated eight-inch hem has to remain longer than your fingertips, so no rolling it up, young lady! The dress code also doesn’t allow spaghetti strap tanks, visible bra straps, or slap bracelets—mostly because these things have been out of style for as long as these middle schoolers have been alive. But you’re totally free to go for it; you don’t have to follow any rules because you graduated 15 years ago!
AEO Burnout Favorite T-Shirt (American Eagle Outfitters, $19.95)
Your glory days aren’t behind you with this American Eagle baseball tee—you’re living them right now. No need to boast about winning State in high school! With this shirt, they’ll already know you’re a champion. You may be a loser, but you’ll be wearing the clothes of a teenage winner!
Faux Leather Biker Jacket (Hollister, $59.95)
Vroom vroom! You’re late and headed straight for detention (AKA the unemployment office) in this Hollister leather jacket. You’re a bad girl! Literally, you are bad at every job you’ve tried. Hope the jacket keeps you warm since you can’t seem to hold down a job and winter’s on its way!
Plaid Flannel Shirt Dress (Forever 21, $22.90)
You’ll be looking babysitter-chic in this plaid dress from Forever 21! Snacks are in the fridge, pizza money is on the table, and this shit is just as cute as it was back when Heath Ledger was still alive. Don’t tell mom the babysitter’s 33!
Chambray Pleated Romper (12M- 5Y) (Gap Kids, $39.95)
This romper will have you asking for the bathroom pass…and then help in the bathroom. You need to wash your hands after you pee, and no, don’t just wet them, you need to use soap. Back to the bathroom for you! Remember, if you’re going to dress like a child, people are going to treat you like one. Score!
Sleeveless Bodysuits with Seahorse and Starfish Prints (Babies”R”Us, $16.99)
Snack Time is over and you’re being laid down for a nap in these sleeveless bodysuits from Babies”R”Us because you are literally a baby. A 33-year-old adult baby. Back to school forever!
If you can’t grow up, you can at least buy some new duds! Remember: You’re only as young as you dress! See you at the flagpole!