Fuckboy Blossoms Into Fuckman

At age 26, fuckboy Johnny Sible Jr. has finally evolved into a mature fuckman.

 

Johnny became a fuckboy when he sent his first “u up?” text at age 17. The reputation followed him through his college career – where he was in an unregistered frat – until he finally blossomed into the fuckman he is today.

 

Johnny (who now goes by “John”) may have traded his muscle tanks for J.Crew button-downs and his Natty Lite for $14 glasses of craft whiskey, but he will still ask women for nudes at least twice a week.

 

Much has changed since Johnny graduated from SUNY Geneseo, where he ghosted girls after hooking up with them. Under his new fuckman identity, “John” will now add them on LinkedIn after ghosting them. In situations where the more juvenile Johnny would send women unsolicited dick pics from his frat house bathroom, John sends his weenie photos from the locker room of an Equinox, via an unlimited texting plan.

 

John now understands that it is inappropriate to punctuate his sentences with “no homo,” instead calmly arguing that there are only two genders on Reddit.

 

John may have a history of gaslighting young women, but now makes a point to tell girls that he calls his mom once or twice a month.

 

 

But just because Johnny’s Adriana Lima poster is now rolled up and stored away in the back of his closet doesn’t mean he has quashed all the fuck-loving aspects of his personality: Just as he did nearly a decade ago, John still thinks Tosh.0 is the funniest show on television, has a Joe Rogan quote in his Tinder profile, and thinks it’s okay to wear Sperry’s to a wedding. And he hasn’t lost his standards – John maintains a record of being a fucking terrible lay with a below average dick size, and he always will.

 

This former fuckboy may not be any smarter, funnier, or more interesting, but he does have a really good job in finance. Congrats, Johnny!

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