Fall is just around the corner! The leaves will be turning soon, and the weather will be getting cooler. Ask yourself, are you trying hard enough? Is your wardrobe ready to go back to school, the office, or that hot date? No it’s not and frankly that’s embarrassing for you and everyone you know. So here’s our guide to the four must-have fall looks that will hurt like shit because being pretty takes a little effort but mostly pain:
The Flirtiest Blouse
There’s never been anything like this blouse. It’s fun, it’s flirty, it’s fall appropriate, and the cap sleeves will cut your circulation off until you lose all feeling in your left hand and worry that you may be having a heart attack. Wear it under a blazer or pair it with some solid color slacks and watch how the boys ogle you as you walk down the street.
The Day-to-Night Dress
This is a must-have for the single, working woman! This elegant wrap dress works great at the office during the day, and turns into a date dress when paired with different accessories! Also, it will cut so hard into your liver that you’ll be sure you have the early stages of Hepatitis C. Your boss will notice how business-like you look, and your date will fall all over it!
The Classic Pump
We’re bringing this 90s classic back! Grab a pair at a local thrift store from some lady who gave up on life, or buy ’em new because pumps will be everywhere this fall. This simple pump can spice up jeans, elongate your legs, and crush the fuck out of your feet. You’ll lay on your bed soaking your tired, old, worn feet, knowing you finally got the attention of your Prince Charming!
A scarf this huge will balance the proportions of your body while nearly suffocating you. If breathing isn’t a problem, the oversized scarf will get you with its oppressive heat or the choking hazard it poses by getting caught on passing cars and garage doors. Thankfully, it’s all worth it, because men will stop and stare at your perfect face-flattering hue and shoulder-minimizing bulk.
As summer nears its end, take heart – the sunburns and teeny bikinis may be gone, but fall’s got more pain in store!