Five Tools To Make Him Propose Right Fucking Now

Has your man managed to drop ZERO hints about spending the rest of his life with you? Your egg supply is rapidly dwindling, and if you don’t tie the knot ASAP, your failing woman body may not give you the twin girl babies you deserve. Here are some common household tools you can use to get your man on board the marriage train before it’s too fucking late.

drill_sized

DeWalt Heavy-Duty VSR Drill

Designed for versatility, the Dewalt Heavy-Duty VSR Drill functions well for both steel and wood applications, and it delivers a powerful puncture to the delicate skin of your boyfriend-of-four-weeks’ inner thigh, reminding him of the painful loneliness he’ll feel if he doesn’t make you his bride.

JM82K_5_Final_sized

Ryobi Biscuit Joiner

I chose the biscuit joiner for its adorable name, superior performance, and obvious metaphorical implications. Use a biscuit joiner to connect two pieces of wood or to leave without comment in your boyfriend’s locked apartment.

nail gun_sized

Bosch Angled Finish Nail Gun

The Bosch Nail Gun has 10% More Power, is 20% Smaller, and results in 15% more liquid shits when you wave it maniacally in your boyfriend’s face.

level_sized

David White Self-Leveling Rotary Laser

Use this $899 rotary laser for dirt grading and for dropping onto your boyfriend’s car from your third floor balcony. The Anti-Drift technology provides super accuracy for when you want a laser to shine directly into his eyes no matter where he is standing in a room.

saw_sized

Black and Decker 12 Amp Circular Saw

This saw has an ergonomic handle for easy handling, and holding this saw at breakfast yesterday was all I had to do. I’m pleased to announce that he was so impressed with the saw’s 18-tooth carbide blade that he bought a ring by the afternoon.

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