You’ve been thinking all day about stopping for takeout on the way home. You slowed down in front of McDonalds, Five Guys, and three fancy upscale burger places – but you didn’t stop. Because today, you’re being good. These sensible, DIY lettuce wraps might be sort of tasty, but they sure won’t make you forget that burger you’d rather be eating:
Chicken Teriyaki Lettuce Wrap
The sweet teriyaki sauce and tender chicken strips will almost make you forget that you’re eating a sandwich made of lettuce. You could have been eating a blood-red beef patty topped with molten gouda cheese and dripping with garlic aioli, but this bullshit should fill you up enough. You can’t have a burger.
BLT Lettuce Wrap
Isn’t this just kind of sad and redundant? There’s lettuce in a sandwich wrapped in lettuce. Crunch, crunch. Sure, there’s bacon inside, but you can barely taste it through all the watery lettuce. Not like what’s on top of a bacon cheeseburger – that’s bacon you can taste, because it’s surrounded by other, juicier dead animals. But clocking in at only 300 calories, this abomination is the smart non-burger choice for the woman who might just hate herself.
Shrimp and Cabbage Lettuce Wrap
This one is basically a spring roll. But you know what usually comes after a spring roll? A meal. Like a greasy hunk of meat dripping with caramelized onions and sautéed mushrooms. Lucky you, though: This Thai-inspired lettuce wrap is the meal. Mmm, satisfying. NOT.
Veggie Quinoa Lettuce Wrap
Yeah, that’s the stuff! So healthy. So hearty. So not slathered in ketchup and mustard and topped with a pretzel bun. That’s the beauty of this wrap: It’s not a burger.
Garden Salad Lettuce Wrap
You’re eating lettuce wrapped in lettuce. What the fuck is wrong with you? This garbage is the least burger-y thing on planet Earth. It’s the kind of thing you feed your friend’s turtle when you lose the instructions on how to take care of it while she’s out of town. If you really want to go to hell with yourself, dip it in some Caesar dressing. Then go out in the middle of the road, lie down, and wait for death. You’re being good today!
With these healthy alternatives, you’ll prolong your craving until it grows out of control. Then you’ll overindulge later at a drive-thru where you order a whole day’s calories and consume them while parked under a bridge. Enjoy!