Catcalling: you might find it scary, saddening or just plain annoying, but it’s a universally frustrating experience for all women. So what’s the solution? No one knows and men don’t seem to care. So here are five clever catcall responses that will make you ask, “Is this my job?” and the answer is yes, apparently so?
Pretend to be hard of hearing and make him repeat the catcall over and over even though you are very tired. Sure, you’re running late, contemplating all that you have to do today as you hustle down the sidewalk, while also getting catcalled. Haha! But then stop and ask yourself: wouldn’t it be incredible to address the pervasive toxic masculinity in this country, of which catcalling is merely a symptom, with a clever retort? Yes, that would be nice, so stop what you’re doing and make him repeat the catcall to you over and over, drawing out the absurdity of what he’s saying. He’ll leave the exchange slightly taken aback, and you’ll leave it tired and running even later for your appointment, because apparently this is your job now.
Show him who’s boss by staring directly into your catcaller’s eyes and say, “Oh?” Because women have to manage literally everything, apparently, including clever catcall comebacks now? God, this shit is a lot of work. While you’re staring him down, you might think to yourself “Wouldn’t it be nice if men picked up their own slack for once and addressed this socially acceptable, pervasive disrespect of women?” Yes, it would be nice, but it’s not happening. All the other men are just walking on by while you’re still using your precious energy to stare him down. It’ll give your catcaller a little spook, but for some reason you can’t put this accomplishment on your resume!
Hand him a business card that says, “Mind your own business” because now we have to spend money on this bullshit too.
What if we, as a society, took a step back and asked ourselves how catcalling even came to be? Newsflash: We are now spending hard-earned energy, time and money on mildly funny ideas that are a random shot in the dark when it comes to addressing a universal, horrifying gender problem. Clever!
“You have a small dick!”
Make a joke abut his dick because dick jokes really get him where it hurts! But in a perfect world, perhaps there would be enforceable policies against catcalling and men would feel some sort of higher-level repercussions. Or, in a perfect world, men would be raised to respect women and know it’s not okay to bother us. Well, dream on. Literally everything is our job, so just take this one on too and make a joke about him having a small dick.
“Women’s rights are human rights, asshole!”
Make a feminist statement because our job is also to explain feminism. You’ve carried the burdens of misogyny your entire life, and as if that’s not tiring enough at the end of the day, now you have to explain the fundamental notion of gender equality to an idiot ‘cause these are the rules now. But, you know, find a way to make it fun!
Congratulations, you’ve used your intelligence and humor to outwit a catcaller! And once you’re finished, with this job out of the way, you can deal with literally everything else in your life. Good luck!