Self-proclaimed fitness enthusiast Haley Russi was “shocked” by the news that yoga is not merely a form of exercise, but is actually considered a spiritual practice by many throughout the world.
“GTFO,” were the letters mouthed by Haley to her yoga instructor, who explained the news during class, right after suggesting that Haley shouldn’t chew her caffeine gum or perform crunches during Shavasana.
Russi also appeared uncomfortable and confused as the rest of the class sat in quiet meditation.
“I don’t know, maybe this sport isn’t for me,” Russi tells reporters. “I bought a ton of yoga pants, but I guess I’ll just have to use them for Crossfit.”
“Other students were disgusted by the stench of last night’s gin pouring from her sweat glands,” said teacher Kathleen Spencer, who lived in India for 12 years after devoting her life to the practice of yoga. “She was audibly dry-heaving through every incantation.”
Russi, who started yoga at the suggestion of her therapist as a way to find some time to reflect on her aggressive lifestyle, says she is disappointed to waste the remainder of her unlimited month at YogaCleanse, but is “looking for a workout that isn’t some prayer-type shit.”
“All of this chanting and being still is just stressing me out,” says Russi. “I just wish, there was, like, a way for me to just breathe, and clear my head.”