Chelsea Williams, 27, flocked to her ex’s Facebook page last week upon receiving the news he was officially in a new relationship. After several hours of internet stalking in hopes of convincing herself he’d downgraded, Williams now confirms that her ex’s new girlfriend “actually seems really nice.”
Sources have identified the new girlfriend as Molly Hudson, whose friends all describe her as “one of the most compassionate human beings they’ve ever met.” “She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside,” says colleague Marvin Thomas. “One time I thought she stole my pen. But it turns out she just borrowed it to write a get well soon card for the janitor who’d been out sick for a week. None of us even knew his name, except for Molly.”
“I wish she had something like terrible highlights, or an obvious spray tan, but she just looked really classy and put together in every picture,” Williams describes. “I wanted to hate her, but after getting to know her through her profile, I want to ask her on a lunch date. And this is all just really upsetting.”
Even Chelsea’s roommate, Jessica Fields, notorious for her shit-talking abilities, was stumped. “At one point we thought we found a weird birth mark but it just turned out to be a spec on my computer screen. I don’t know. This is a tough one.”
After failing to find anything to criticize on Molly’s Facebook page, both Williams and her roommate took to Instagram. “I was confident I could find at least one duck-lipped selfie, or an unironic use of #grateful, #blessed, or #YOLO. Nothing.”
“At one point Chelsea actually said ‘awww’ out loud to a picture of the new couple eating at a Hibachi restaurant. I had to cut her off after that,” Jessica told reporters.
Sources say Williams is still grappling with the fact that she might actually be genuinely happy for the new couple.