Hey, sorry but I gotta break up with you. Don’t worry though, this breakup has like nothing to do with you—it’s all me. I’m not the same guy I was when we started boning three years ago. In fact, I’ve kinda gotten way hotter, and I’m pretty positive I can get with girls like, two or three points higher than you minimum. So basically I gotta pursue that calling and end things with you right now.
Over the course of our relationship, I’ve really come into my grown (in my biceps and shit). With you paying a ton of the rent and me losing my job, I have all this time I didn’t have to exercise back when I was single. And like you’ve been cooking me hella healthy meals. I didn’t even know kale was a thing before and now I put it in every protein shake. But this is about me, not you.
Look, I’m not the same dude whose dick you fell in love with. Back then, I was a five. Now? Well, now I’m a seven, maybe an eight post-workout and wearing that clean Bonobos shirt you got me. And you? You’re the same. Which would be fine, I guess, if I hadn’t swanned like a motherfucker.
But seriously, you shouldn’t feel bad. You’ve done nothing wrong. This is like my personal journey, and about what feels right for me in this hotter phase of my life. Right now, my gut is telling me I should be drowning in pussy, not sticking around with the person who went to the hospital when my mom was sick to let me know what the heck was going on with her. It’s better for you that I’m honest about this.
I have to listen to my heart. And my heart says I’m now a few rungs out of your league. My heart also says that strangers think we look mismatched, and probably conclude that you have an amazing personality or I’m too dumb to tie my shoes or some shit. The truth is, your personality’s a B-, just like it was when we got together.
Please don’t take this breakup as a reflection on you. You’re a pretty deece person—you gave good BJs and made good dip and any guy less hot than me would be lucky to have you. It’s not in any way your fault this is coming to an end. It’s just, it turns out I look really good with long hair and abs.
You’ll always have a place in my heart. In a chamber of my heart completely separate from that girl who lived on my floor freshman year and rejected me like eight times but now keeps liking my Instagrams. One day when you maybe get hotter, I hope you’ll understand.