Sup, babes? It’s Dude Corner: the column where I, a dude, finally have a voice on the internet. So for like a million years my dad always told me I have to give up my seat on the subway for pregnant women because that’s what a “real man” does and shit. But my dad is actually a fucking pussy, so I’m here to say that unless I personally knocked you up, there is no way I’m giving up my seat.
Look, I believe in equality. If women expect to be equal to men, part of that is standing on a moving train, even if you’re preggo. But that’s not to say that I wouldn’t get up to let a girl that I got pregnant sit down because I totally would. That’s my responsibility: I did the creampie crime and I’ll do the creampie time. Like, that’s my baby in there, you know? But if a random lady has some other dude’s bun in her oven, I’m not gonna insult her by assuming she can’t stand. That’s sexist and also like, where the fuck is her dude??
Plus, there are people who need to sit down more than some lumpy chick who couldn’t keep her legs closed and the parasite she’s carrying. Including: nasty old folks, the disabled, really hot chicks I’m trying to bang, and of course, me. They slash I have needs too, like letting my balls air out when it’s hot. But what kinds of needs could a pregnant chick that I DEFINITELY did not impregnate possibly have besides eating a bunch and saying “ughh my back hurts” all the time?
But IF I DID get her pregnant then you can ignore all that, cause that’s my fatherly responsibility. Just to be clear I did NOT get that bitch pregnant!
When it comes down to it, nobody asked any of these women to go out like cats in heat and come back in the family way. So I shouldn’t have to leave an intense leg day at the Planet Fitness near my work only to be forced to give up my seat on the way home for some waddling pregger and her protruding belly that I DIDN’T personally cause. And if I did just please just don’t surprise me with any wild shit, okay? You better have a DNA test to prove it!