You started shaving your legs again, and it’s been at least four days since you hoovered a family-size bag of Barbecue Lay’s while sobbing. In other words, you’re totally over your ex! The next step in the healing process is letting him know how healed you are. With the help of a half-dozen glasses of wine and a 4G network, you can effortlessly get the message across. Your emotional fortitude will be as crystal clear as that shot glass you used to take your seventh Fireball of the night.
“Gina tollld me abaout the infant u are been dating. I hope u5 guyssss r really haddy tofetyer.”
Like all recently single adult men, your ex is going to rebound hard by dating someone younger than you. Make it clear that you’re cool with that by sending your drunken best to him and his child bride. “Man, Rachel’s classy!” he’ll think, right before he tears the Minnie Mouse overalls off his new barely-legal trick so they can share the bed you two bought together.
“You know your Yankees t-shirt you left here? I just smeeellled it. Is that weird or????? ;)”
Let him see how well you’re handling being single again. He’ll admire how independent and resourceful you’ve become!
“Remember that STD scare we had? I’d never felt so close to anyone. Fuckkkkk”
The true sign that you’re over an ex is when you can be friends again. And nothing says friendship like reminiscing about old times, like the time you two sobbed together on the bedroom floor! Be sure to also tell him about the Chapstick he left at your place that you sometimes like to put on, just so your lips can touch something his touched – you two will share a nostalgic chuckle over that one!
Passing out in the middle of telling him you hate him shows how comfortable you are!
“This French lawyer is humping my leg on the dance floor rn, jsyk.”
An important step in the next phase of your friendship is to make it known that you’ve been seeing other people, too. Bonus points if you send your ex a photo of the surprise shoulder hickey Gilbert gave you – that sly dog!
“Guess who’s fuckin’?”
Leave no question in his mind that you’re moving on and getting busy with other guys! He doesn’t have to know that the only man who’s been in your bed recently is Papa John.
“On my way to ur place almost there buzz me in????”
Think someone who’s still hung up on their ex would show up drunk on his doorstep for some late-night lovin’? We don’t think so! Show this guy how little he means to you by sleeping with him “one more time” for the next few weeks.
Wow – your ex is so yesterday! Doesn’t it feel good to let him know you moved on?