You’ve just about had it with your OCD. Lately, that Lexapro just hasn’t been cutting it, and your good-for-nothing therapist won’t prescribe a higher dosage until you “prove you’re making progress” and “stop calling her home phone and letting it ring three times.” What better way to channel all of that nervous energy into some good, old-fashioned arts and crafts! Here are seven tips to deal with your crippling anxiety disorder through decorating your workspace:
1. Clean your desk: Before you can get creative, you’ve gotta get clean (as if we could stop you, anyway!). Start by clearing everything off your desk. Then try to achieve symmetry with the placement of all your office supplies, because your color-coded folders aren’t symmetrical. If you forgot to wipe down your desk with Lysol and then wipe off the Lysol with distilled water, start over.
2. Use Mason jars: You can design your own pencil holder by repurposing an old mason jar! First thing first: organize your pencils, of which there are exactly 64, into categories: lucky and unlucky. Then, sharpen the unlucky pencils into oblivion and arrange the lucky pencils in a tasteful bouquet. Sterilize the Mason jar and the pencils, repeating if anyone comes over and touches anything. Lick the electric socket three times.
3. Use patterns: Tribal patterns are super hip, so paint some on the drawers! Just remember, if you get any paint on your fingers to slap your hands together until they’re bruised. Another fun pattern is the number 7, muttered over and over again while you wash the paint off those fingers.
3. Skip this one: We’re skipping this one because the number 3 is giving off a bad vibe right now.
4. Use the minimal approach: In a violent fit of compulsive rage, throw everything on your desk into the trashcan. It’s like Japanese minimalism, but angrier! Snap a pic and catalogue it into a folder onto your computer, labeled “failures.”
5. WASH YOUR HANDS AGAIN: WASH THEM. NOW. THOROUGHLY. 7 TIMES. REMEMBER WHEN YOU DIDN’T WASH YOUR HANDS 7 TIMES AND YOUR PARENTS GOT DIVORCED?
6. Decorate with photos! Decorate your desk with pictures of your family and friends! That one photo is a little lopsided, so tilt it to the right. Now tilt it to the left. Now to the right. Now to the left, but just a teeny-weeny bit. OK, now to the right just to balance it out. And one more time to the left or else you’ll get pregnant somehow, which is your worst fear and you think about it all the time when you’re doing your face wash ritual. Which reminds me, WASH YOUR HANDS YOU STUPID BITCH, DON’T YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN SOME SENSE OF ORDER IN A WORLD OF CHAOS?
7. Plants! Put plants on your desk! Everyone loves plants! But plants are so dirty so clean the leaves carefully.