Soo you’re about to get married. Congratulations! Small hiccup, though: his family wants to make sure you’re a virgin, but (eek!) you’re not. Everyone understands the value of a woman with limited sexual experience, but some of us only realize that after we let every man we know plow through us like they’re harvesting cabbage. If only you could go back in time, to the day before you did your first split in gymnastics class, or the day you had that accident on the playground, or the day before that first penis plunged inside you. Now you can! But wait: that surgery your friend furtively mentioned to you sure sounds expensive. What’s a girl to do?
You don’t have to shell out loads of cash to get your virginity back. With a few household supplies, an ice pack, and a little moxie, you can sew your hymen back together yourself! Follow these few simple steps and you’ll be “like a virgin” in no time:
Get a bolt of fabric and a plastic container of loose buttons. Practice sewing the buttons in a straight line. You’ve probably already mastered this skill, as every wife-to-be should. In this case, your hymen is the button.
Choose your “thread”. We recommend using fishing line to minimize how obvious your stitches will be to anyone staring into your crotch. The clear nylon string will also be more difficult for your betrothed to break apart. When your new in-laws see how bloody the sheets are after your wedding night, they’ll look to each other and say, “see, I knew it was okay for him to marry a Packers fan!” Focus on the good laugh you’ll have the morning after while you go forward with your brutal self-surgery.
Grab that hand mirror you use to inspect and criticize your own vagina and set it up so you can sew with both hands. Stretch what remains of your hymen out over your vaginal opening so it covers as much surface area as possible. Don’t have a lot to work with? Red or pink plastic tablecloth will also do just fine. Starting close to your “shame button” (aka clitoris), sew that fishing line back and forth until the edges of the tissue are firmly adhered to your labia minora.
Tie a cute bow at the end when you’re all done, because your virginity is the gift you give yourself! And your husband, obviously. Bows are also easier to undo when the wound heals.
Feel free to repeat these steps as many times as you’d like once married, so every time can feel like your first! And if this marriage doesn’t work out because of those pesky in-laws, you know how to do this for the next hubby-to-be, too!