After weeks of standing in a foot of murky shower water, you finally did the mature thing and fished the culprit out of your drain with a clothes hanger. But don’t let this wad of your hair tangled with other people’s hair go to waste this holiday season. Here are some cute ways to repurpose it for ornaments that will be the star of any Christmas tree.
Candy Cane
Wads of matted hair that collect years of bath time sludge can sometimes form into dreadlocks fat enough to clog your entire train. Why didn’t you call the landlord six months ago when you first noticed the problem? Whatever your reason, it was the right decision! Because now this hair just needs a little finessing to bend it into the shape of a lovely candy cane. Add some masking-tape stripes and you’re in business! It looks good enough to eat!
Snow Man
Remember that really nice, handsome, rich guy you hooked up with that one time in the spring? Whatever happened to him? Oh yeah—he got grossed out when he saw the hairy squalor you lived in and never called you again. Honor his memory by making a cute little snowman out of the mass of tangled hair that has been your only shower companion for over a year now. Use toothpicks for the arms, half an olive for his cute little hat, and just some stale old popcorn kernels you meant to throw away last weekend for the eyes.
Angel
A slight variation on Mr. Snow Man, this darling angel has a piece of string for a halo and these cute little ripped up Kleenex wings. Hey, just a thought—do you think any of the people who used to live in your apartment whose hair wound up in the gaping maw of the mass in your drain are dead now?
Baby Jesus
Wrap some twine around the massive, slimy glob of hair from your drain and you’ve got a perfect rendering of the baby Jesus of Nazareth! Maybe while you’re at it you can pray to him that in 2015 you finally get your shit together and clean your apartment once in awhile (even just like, once a year, girl). Then again, maybe not—people are always saying they want Jesus to come back a second time!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
This Rudolph has a very shiny nose! A touch of craft glitter makes this reindeer sparkle and shine. Wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some ancient Bath and Bodyworks glittery shit woven into the fabric of that mucky mass, either. It has been collecting bath products and human filth in your drain for so long.
Peace Dove
Aw. For this graceful olive branch-bearing bird, just pick either end of the hairy blob that has personally made you forego showering for up to four days at a time because your feet get to cold standing in the chilly sludge that should be going down the drain but instead pools around your feet, and glue some kind of a twig on.
Now that you’ve got some ideas, it’s time to get crafty! Impress everyone who has written you off this year as a slob who doesn’t have it together by gifting them one of these delightful keepsake ornaments!
