One of the hardest parts of dating is that you have to actually go on dates with people. While you used to get your hopes up, years of experience have taught you that dating sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it, but you’re definitely going to keep on doing it, anyway. Here are some tips for going on dates you already know are going to be just…so fucking bad.
Just wear something dumb, it doesn’t matter.
You used to spend hours trying to find the perfect outfit that was the right combination of sexy and casual. But that was back when you would go on a date thinking, “Yes! This is going to be a good thing.” Just put on some jeans and a shirt. Who cares if your shirt has three holes in it; it wasn’t like the two of you were going to hit it off, anyway.
Psych yourself up by remembering you can be alone again in a matter of hours.
We know how you’re feeling. You’re about to head out the door and a series of excuses that seem pretty plausible pop into your brain: I’m sick, my apartment just caught on fire, my parents just died in a fire, I have to go set myself on fire. But you just have to grit your teeth and remind yourself that the date will be over in a matter of hours, at which point you can go back to your apartment and listen to your roommate watch reruns of Law & Order: SVU in the other room.
Make sure your phone is charged so you can text your friends through the low points.
It’s every woman’s worst nightmare: Your date just used the phrases “college improv troupe” and “debauchery” in the same sentence, and you go to start transcribing it for your group text, but your phone dies before you even get to his lack of punchline. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you will want to be “in the moment” on this date when there is truly no reality in which it is not the worst thing.
Turn it into a drinking game.
Some people say not to drink on the first date, but that seems optimistic. Instead, entertain yourself by making a little game out of how bad it’s going: Take a sip for every time he mentions his ex. Do a shot when he is appalled you’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs. Did he just ask you a rhetorical question because he’s worried he’s been talking too much? Marry him! Just kidding. Drown yourself in Everclear!
Play hard-to-get by never texting him again.
Phew! It’s over with, but it’s important to plan your next move carefully. You don’t want to seem too available, or even available at all, so play it cool and aloof by never responding to his texts. You have a lot on your plate, what with all the other shitty dates you have scheduled.
Next time you’re heading into a lose-lose dating situation, don’t panic! Now you’re armed with the tools you need to handle what will certainly be a regrettable time. Just remember to be open and curious, no matter how unreciprocated you know it will be. Dating: It’s just something you have to do.