There is no doubt that we love to shake our booties to Top 40 hits, but did you know that your dance moves could be revealing your brutal six-month abstinence from sexual activity? Whether you want to hide your desperation or flaunt it, familiarize yourself with which dance moves hint at your condom-less trashcan:
A Subtle Step-Touch
Opting for a subtle step-touch not only discredits you as a potentially fierce bitch, but it also shows that your genitals haven’t been penetrated in six whole months! Beware of snapping during a subtle step-touch, because club-goers will immediately assume at least a one-year dry streak. They’ll all be way too intimated by how much sex you don’t have to go anywhere near you.
Smacking your palms together to the beat of “Summer” by Calvin Harris not only assures the male species that you’re DTF – it assures them that you haven’t been intimate with someone in over half a year. If you want to end that dry spell, seal the deal by throwing in a complimentary stomping foot for when the beat really drops.
Anything Taylor Swift Does
Any dance move that Taylor Swift has done at an awards show or in a music video thus far automatically labels you as a person whose hymen is actively regenerating. From waving her arms in the air to throwing up gang signs, the fellas will know it has been two fiscal quarters since you’ve seen a crotch in the flesh.
Nothing says, “I haven’t had a man tickle my insides in six months” quite like partaking in a lonesome lambada to an Arianna Grande tune. Not only does this Brazilian dance move from the 1980’s exude your waning sexual prowess, but it also illustrates to possible suitors that you’ve almost completely forgotten about that whole “pre-cum” thing.
A once sexually explicit move in the 1920’s, the Charleston has evolved to say, “The only two things occupying my lady cave are 61 days of loneliness and an old tampon!” Get that sexual attention you deserve by Charlston-ing all over that “Wiggle, Wiggle” song.
That Thing You Do In Your Step Class
Jumping up onto the VIP booth while punching your fists in the air when a weird remix of “Summertime Sadness” comes on will 100% let the fellas sitting in the booth know that you haven’t had sex in at least six months and counting (emphasis on the “counting”).
That Thing John Travolta Does In Pulp Fiction
What shows your six-month sexual inactivity more than matching slick leg movements with waving your two fingers across your face? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What do they call a girl who hasn’t had sex in two pill packs in France? A Royale with Cheese That Gets Eaten in Bed! We hope.