I love my on-again-off-again boyfriend Derek to death, but sometimes, I literally want him to choke on his dad’s wrench (His dad’s a mechanic…random)! The problem is, our weekly breakups often fall on holidays. I know it’s mean or whatever, but I’m not just going to, like, not break up with Derek just because it’s, like, Flag Day or whatever (random haha). Basically, I’ve figured out how to break up with a guy on every holiday in a way that says, “Yes, I’m breaking up with you on a holiday, which is sucky, but maybe we’re probably going to get back together. BUT MAYBE NOT, ASSHOLE.” Enjoy:
New Year’s Eve/Day
During the countdown, instead of saying “Three…Two…One,” say “Three…Two…DONE” and then blow a streamer in his face. Not only will it get the message across and possibly injure him, but he’ll be jealous of the streamer for being your NYE kiss. Then walk away saying something fierce like, “New year, new Becca!” (My name is Becca lol say yours instead).
Derek didn’t text me “Happy Valentine’s Day” until like 1:46 PM on Valentine’s Day, so when he showed up at my house that night with chocolates, I seductively took a bite of one, then threw it at his face and said, “Too little, too choco-LATE.” Again, it’s clever, there’s a chance of injury, and he’ll be thinking about your lips on that chocolate for days. Also, pronounce the “late” in chocolate as “l8” not “lit.” LOL that would NOT make sense!
Okay, so Derek and I didn’t have work on President’s Day so I assumed we’d be hanging out. Then at like 11:17 AM (when I was SLEEPING) Derek texted me that he needed to help out his dad at work all day. WTF. Well, I showed up at his dad’s garage, picked up a wrench, threw it at Derek’s balls, and said “Sorry to put a WRENCH in your plans” and walked away. When we got back together that night Derek was like, “That was actually a screwdriver,” haha I’m such a spaz. Anyway I know this method is random but it might work for you?
St. Patrick’s Day
So Derek and I were schwasty and I saw him say “Erin Go Bragh” or whatever to this BUSTED girl. I looked him dead in the eyes, grabbed my friend, and said “Well, ERIN and I are gonna GO BRA-less.” (Her name’s not Erin but whatever lol) Then we took off our bras and started making out with some random guys and then I said, “Kiss my Blarney Stone” (my a$$). Turns out Derek was talking to his cousin, but on the bright side Erin (I call her Erin now as a joke) and that random guy she kissed are hanging out now on the reg. You can totally steal any of the things I did above for your breakup.
Fourth Of July
So let me preface by saying Derek and I have grown a LOT since Fourth of July last year, but basically we were at a party and Derek went to the bathroom at like 5:50 PM and at like 6:15 PM I was like WTF where is Derek. So anyways I found him at the side of the house kissing a guy (random phase I guess) and so I threw one of those little flags at him and said “An American Flag for an American F*g” with the letter A instead of the *. AGAIN, I understand completely how not okay it is to use that word, but I was in the heat of the moment and he was just doing it to get back at me for something. If you’re in a similar situation with your boyfriend, maybe throw like a hot dog at him and say, “Looks like you prefer WEINERS” or something. IDK get creative.
Derek broke up with me on Thanksgiving so can we not talk about it right now?
Derek and I got back together after Thanksgiving (I kind of forced him to lol). Anyways, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said “a threesome.” At first I was like, “Ew!” because, like, women are beautiful, but that’s not gonna happen. Then he was like, “No, what if it’s a guy?” and I was like, “Wouldn’t that be more of a present for me?” and he was like “Sure.” Anyways, during the threesome I felt like he was totally paying more attention to the other guy (let’s call him “Jesse” to preserve his anonymity) to make him feel comfortable. So after Jesse came (can I say that?), Derek walked over to me (Jesse had asked me to watch from the corner) and was like “Are you okay?” I threw a condom at his face and said “Honey, there is no room at THIS inn it’s for the come of ye FAITHFUL” pointing at my vagina.
Breakups are super hard but I hope this was helpful for you guys!