You did it! You finally got a man and now you are happier than you’ve ever been, even if he may not have a job and you may be paying for everything. Hey––at least you aren’t single! When your friends finally ask you for the second time, “No wait, really, what does he do again?” Here are five creative ways to say he’s unemployed, so no one will really know but you!
“He’s Finding Himself”
This is vague enough so you are not flat-out lying, but also doesn’t tell the world he’s sitting at home playing Playstation and masturbating 22 hours a day. Make sure you say things like “He’s exploring his options” and “just doesn’t want to settle.” This is technically true because he turned down his last job offer because he’d “have to wear a suit to work.” He treats you really well though!
“He’s an Internet Mogul”
This is great because it sounds like a job but isn’t one at all. Nobody knows what that means, so use it to your advantage! It sounds like he’s working hard, but we all know he’s trying to grow his Snapchat following––which is technically productive, and he will remind you of that. Nod a lot and smile and don’t cry behind your desk at work because remember: This beats being single!
“He’s the Assistant to the Vice President’s Manager’s Assistant Executive Assistant’s Manager’s Coordinator”
The more titles people hear the more likely they are to lose interest and fade out before you’re finished talking. Either way you win, because he’s unemployed and you are totally fine with it. If someone starts to suspect something, just mention how sad it is that they are single and say you might know someone. You’ve got to switch the focus ASAP or they’ll start to figure out he’s trying to be a professional skateboarder and it’s not working out.
“He’s Taking a lot of Classes Right Now”
Last but not least, just say he’s taking a lot of classes right now. This will make people think he’s going to grad school, or applying to grad school, or at least read one of the 100 grad school brochures you keep leaving around for him instead of watching Youtube tutorials of learning how to skateboard. Remember, he’s got a lifelong love for learning and YOU ARE SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW, RIGHT?! NOW TELL THEM TO GET OFF YOUR BACK.
With these simple strategies you can tell the world you are in a happy, committed and loving relationship, even though you feel like you have an actual adult child living in your house!