Crafting the Perfect Thanksgiving Meltdown

It’s that time of year again when we give thanks for the good things in life, maintaining focus on ourselves and our problems, in spite of the many loved ones who surround us. Perhaps last year, your sister stole your thunder with an engagement announcement or new job. This year, we’ve put together a step-by-step guide to crafting the perfect Thanksgiving meltdown designed to ensure that you’ll be the center of attention this Turkey Day!
 

One week before:

Start changing up your medicine cocktail and decrease your anti-depressants. By Thanksgiving, you’ll have that perfect moody “edge” that will have everyone wondering “what’s going on with her?”
 

Morning of:

The morning of Thanksgiving, stuff your face with whatever you want! Get to the event with a full stomach so when you pass on appetizers, your siblings and cousins will silently note that someone who doesn’t eat on Thanksgiving must really be going through something.
 
**Reminder: Do NOT partake in your usual downing of Xanax or joint smoking before family affairs like you normally do – this year you don’t want any of your senses to be dulled.
 

Supplies:

We suggest a dry Chardonnay or an oaky Pinot (at least 2 bottles!)
 

A Gift for Your Host:

Get creative with something that will make others feel uncomfortable. Ex: A bizarre Thanksgiving centerpiece that you insist on displaying, a self-help book you keep promoting, or a framed picture of your entire family without you in it.
 

Upon Arrival:

Wearing all black is a timeless meltdown look, but you may want to come in pajama pants or sweats this year. You can never go wrong with an unidentified stain on your ill-fitting blouse or mismatched shoes. If someone asks what the stain is, just yell, “I don’t know and I don’t care! Nothing matters anyway!” as you defiantly storm out of the room. Make sure your wine glass is constantly full early in the day – it’s your meltdown juice! In the middle of your sister-in-law telling you about her Crossfit group, stare out the window mournfully (bonus points if you can get yourself to release one single tear!). If she asks you what’s wrong quickly tell her “Nothing, it’s just…forget it.”
 

 

For Cocktail Hour:

Before the meal, hole yourself up in a guest room until everyone’s noticed. Emerge sniffling and wiping your eyes. Say you don’t want to talk about it. At this point in the evening, the entire Thanksgiving party should be walking on eggshells around you. No one cares about your sister’s honeymoon album when you’re off crying in the playroom! By the time everyone is sitting down for the meal, the table should be full of awkward tension and discomfort about your fragile state. When going around the table to say what you’re most grateful for, make a vague but loaded statement, such as, “I’m grateful for honesty.”
 

At Dinner:

By the time the Turkey is being carved you’ve set the stage and your full breakdown can commence. This is a good time to run off to a different room again – and of course 3-4 people will come after you. Lock yourself in! Revel in this! This is your moment! This is YOUR Thanksgiving!
 
** Reminder: Don’t wait too long – you MUST beat your sister to the punch and make your scene before she announces her pregnancy! Or else all the prep you’ve put into this day will be for nothing.
 
If you follow these directions, by the end of the evening your parents should be offering you support in the form of money, your sister should be thinking of people to set you up with, and your brother will tell you not to worry about coming to Christmas dinner if you’re not “up for it.” YOU DID IT! You have crafted the perfect Thanksgiving meltdown. No one will remember anything about Thanksgiving 2013 except for you and your problems. Happy Thanksgiving!!

COMMENTS

view all comments hide comments

Comments are closed.