Portland-based writer Emma Higgins was shocked to discover that her favorite local writing spot, Café Topia, finished writing its poignant memoir before Higgins could even make a dent in her fourth chapter.
“I’m not surprised,” frequent café patron, Moe Davis, reports. “Emma came in to write on weekends, but the coffee shop was here every day.”
Café Topia barista, Aimee Womack, reports similar skepticism about Higgins’s work ethic. “She was pretty sedentary, would scoff at any feedback she got, and seemed to talk about her memoir more than actually work on it,” Womack adds, “The coffee shop, on the other hand, was constantly full of life and always asked people for feedback in a suggestion box. Just so dedicated.”
Friend and fellow-writer, Xuan Zhang, claims she and Higgins actually began writing a novel together last year, and convened for weekly writer meet-ups at Café Topia. “But Emma never wrote,” says Zhang. “All she’d do is hug a mug of herbal tea, or make Elliott Smith playlists. So the coffee shop and I actually started working on a short fiction anthology together, and I think it’s going to be good.”
“She’s been working on the same chapter for five years,” Higgins’s mother claims. “I don’t want to compare her, but at least the coffee shop could also hold down a job.”
Higgins’s writing schedule was put to further scrutiny by investigators, who discovered that the majority of her source material was excerpted from one study abroad program in Prague.
“Great art takes time,” Higgins stated at a press conference. “And if people are willing to settle for whatever drivel this coffee shop eked out, then they’re putting quantity over quality.”
The coffee shop’s memoir, entitled, Notes From the Grind, will hit bookstores later this month.