According to recent reports, 24-year-old UC San Diego student Jessie Gardner was confirmed as a certified bad boy after sending a series of very cool texts that didn’t follow the rules of capitalization.
“I’ve never been one to follow the rules,” says Gardner. “So yeah, I turned off the auto-capitalization on my phone. Now I’m the boss of all the letters in my phone. Fuck consumerism!”
Gardner’s former girlfriend, Liza Macatto, noticed the absence of capitalization in his bad boy texts and cites it as cause for their break-up.
“There was the Jessie I’ve known since freshman year, and then there was this calm, almost emotionally inaccessible Jessie. I guess you could say he became a total bad boy,” says Macatto. “He would text, ‘i love you’ and I’d think, wow, does he really mean it?”
Macatto said communication issues became an actual danger soon after Gardner cut uppercase out of his life.
Late last Wednesday, sources confirm Macatto sent her boyfriend a picture of the meal she cooked herself for dinner. Bona fide badass Gardner responded with a text that read, “seriously fire.”
“I thought he was saying my rice bowl looked good, but I found out twenty minutes later my whole dorm building was literally in flames,” explains Macatto, still shaken. “The whole second floor was destroyed, I’m lucky to have made it out alive. I just feel like he could have been less of a bad boy in that moment, and more of a boy who let me know my building was on fire.”
Still, certified bad boy Gardner doesn’t have plans to reactivate his auto-capitalization anytime soon. Or to start putting any care, emotion, or clarity into his texting.
“I’ve been texting some girls and they are responding positively to my use of lowercase,” says Gardner. “For a while, I didn’t realize there was a setting that would do it for me, so I was making everything lowercase manually. Now, I have way more time to fuck the system. And hot girls.”
At the conclusion of this interview, Gardner boasted about sending the same text to seven different women that read, “hey wanna see it.” When asked what he meant, he quickly replied, “The movie! Oh my god. Shit. Actually, that’s cool. I’m a certified bad boy.”